trying to get as far away from myself as i can

my thirty days is now down to 19. i like the sounds of that. over a third down. and it's still going pretty well.

last night i had a major ice cream craving. we made our way down to the market on yates hoping to discover a treat that reasonably resembles ice cream and yet is made without either dairy or sugar. ask a lot, don't i?

would you believe, i found something! and it was even good!

at first i was just looking at the sorbets because i couldn't believe any of the soy or rice options would actually satisfy. but my craving demanded creamy and chocolate so i decided to at least have a look. i could try something new there every week for a year at least. but the one that caught my eye was the so delicious coconut milk frozen dessert. i was skeptical. but i am converted. it was delicious.

the ingredients list is beautifully short. coconut milk. agave syrup. chicory root. cocoa. and a couple types of gum. it was pricey, but still less than a little ben and jerry's or haagen daaz. of course i devoured the entire thing already.

i might celebrate day 31 with a tub of the chocolate-peanut butter swirl. mmmmmm.

is my breath hot?

let's take a side road for a moment.

i have decided to become a remilio sheen groupie.

tonight i experienced a wonderful evening of improv at intrepid theatre. i have been intrigued by spoken word performances since watching sylvia so many years ago. the scene where gwyneth and others make up beautiful and rhythmic poems on the spot has stuck with me. it's a completely different experience from reading. but, due to a lack of adventurous spirit perhaps, i haven't made it to a show.

improv and spoken word are loosely connected. not only in my mind, but others as well, proven by the fact that tonight's 'delightful evening of improvised theatre' featured both forms. hosts dave morris and missie peters are victoria based poets who currently make up speakeasy. aside from being completely adorable and stylish (i covet missie's wardrobe), they were witty, lively and fun. i'm sadder than ever that i missed the video game poetry night a couple weeks ago. ya, you heard me. video game poetry.

prettiest thing you've seen all night kicked things off with a round of props. think 'who's line is it anyway?' style comedy. they brought a box of fun and took anything from the audience, including the shirt off one guy's back. i contributed my (sugar/gluten free) dinner. even though down two members they filled the role of opening act well.

lights down, glow sticks enter. boombox improv mixed things up by alternating sketches in the light with those in the dark. they were unofficially awarded best line of the night: "i taught myself to eat like a duck." i would have rolled on the floor if i'd had room.

what stole my heart, however, was the arrival of remilio sheen holding an easy bake oven. this group took the show to a new level. i'm not sure how long they've been performing, together or apart, but these guys know what they're doing: catchy theme music, matching aprons, deadpan dancing. and that's just the first minute.

once they've started there is barely clapping time between sketches. the comedy ranges from intellectual and witty to physical and silly and sometimes to morbid and awkward (which, of course, were the points where i laughed a little too loud). themes and characters are weaved in and out and all the while a tiny cake is prepared and baked in the background. i can't wait til the next show!

serve with flair a culinary cabaret

happy delivery day to me!

bin number two arrived today full of fresh goodies for me to enjoy. i had been eagerly expecting it all week since it contained both avocado and tomato and i've been wanting fresh salsa something fierce. it was every bit as fantastic as i had dreamed. i devoured the entire bowl already. but i have plenty of left over jalapeño and cilantro to flavour tomorrow's lunch.

i also had mixed beans with cumin today, as suggested by darling serena. i really must use more spices. they do make such a difference. nothing boring about my food today!

something i could do to make you smile again

i've been laid low the past couple days with a headache like a freight train. from what i've read that is not a symptom of sugar withdrawal. besides, the headache hit monday morning and i can't imagine barely 24 hours would make my head explode.

whatever it was, it's gone now. and i am still successfully sugar/gluten free! five days down!

i do have to confess two things. first, i accidentally put cream in my coffee this afternoon and i didn't pour it out as it was the end of the pot. so i drank it. it really wasn't much cream at all. but i had to tell you.

second, my food is still pretty boring. breakfast doesn't concern me. in the morning i'm not interested in much more than getting something in my belly that will last til lunch. the rest of the day i take only as much time as i absolutely need to prepare something simple. even when i cook it's pretty basic.

and snacking is ungood. i do that a lot and it's hard to find something good yet cheap. i hate to buy those prepackaged health snacks. they're ridiculously expensive. plus i really want this to also be about me learning to make my own food. i very much appreciate the suggestions. i'm gonna try the bean salad with cumin tomorrow. if you have any other tips feel free to post them.

throwing bricks at the moon

day one: i'm off and running! spoonful of natural peanut butter and coffee for breakfast; tuna on rice cakes for lunch; rice crackers for dinner; and the worst banana boat ever for late night snack. day one was a success but only in the strictest sense of the word.

i need to properly prepare food for each meal, not just try to eat on the run. that will make a big difference in the quality of the food. also, trying to replace what i would normally eat with 'healthy' alternatives isn't the way to go. it's expensive and disappointing. (in other words, banana boats with sugar free chocolate and no marshmallows just aren't worth the effort. lesson learned. tough stuff.)

living inside a cold dead body

i just enjoyed my final night of indulgence. i didn't go overboard - some pizza and beer as well as cream in my coffee earlier in the day. tomorrow i begin! i can do it! right?

if the west can be a desperate place

i've been so focused on cutting out sugar that i forgot about the gluten. i'm cutting that out too for the thirty days. i hadn't expected that to be a problem for me since i don't generally eat a lot of wheat but i did a quick search of what gluten free would entail and i was surprised. i assumed rye would be safe and it's sure not. same with barley, spelt and kamut. and i came across many warnings that oats are a controversial choice.

and as soon as i'm told i'm not allowed to have something, i want it.

but i can do this! i have self control and self discipline!

ya, not so much. but i do have many inspirational blogs written by other poor unfortunate fools on the same diet. and these people know how to eat.

pictured above is a gluten/sugar/dairy free pancake. and it looks fantastic. if i get ambitious enough to attempt cooking one (or more) of these i'll let you know how it tastes too. for now i'm probably going to stick with the controversial oatmeal with almond milk and maple syrup for breakfast.

the valley doesn't differ from the kitchen sink

i have to confess, i'm tempted.



Bacon Cheesecake Brownies - More DIY How To Projects

cut myself on angel hair

the whole 'not eating sugar' thing isn't going so well. surprise, surprise. self control has never been my strong point. justification and indulgence, however, i could win prizes in.

i've decided one of the problems is accountability. and since i've been on a food kick on here recently, i'm going to make myself accountable to the webbernet. i may lie, i may cheat, and i will likely get very angry that i've made myself accountable to anyone. but i need to cut the sugar for thirty days. starting next week.

i know, the procrastination! it just makes it worse. but i have some chocolate laying around, as well as a half a bottle of wine. and i feel the need to psyche myself up for this. so sunday, february 21 is my start date. no sucrose, no lactose, and limited fructose until march 22. we can do it!

now to finish off those chocolates. i'm doing it as a favour to my future self. no, really.

keeps me from dancing

my bin arrived on thursday, as promised. i promptly devoured the roasted hazelnuts. the apples and bananas aren't lasting much longer. at the moment i am simmering a leek and potato soup, since that was the simplest and most popular recipe for leeks.

leeks are, essentially, giant green onions, as most of you are probably already aware. i was not. and i do not like green onions. this soup smells delicious, however.

another feature of epicurious is the comments. they're helpful because people who actually know what they're doing with food will post what they did to improve on the original recipe. for instance, most people who commented on the recipe i used here said it was a little bland. they recommended adding garlic and bacon and more chicken stock. i ignored their suggestions because i didn't want to cover over the flavour of the leeks the first time i have them. but i do think that if i make this again i will try this recipe instead. more involved but sounds delicious.

you sail to the sky

fresh, local produce programs operate in most cities in canada. even prince george had one while i was there. (as far as i know it's still active but i haven't checked since i left). i am finally jumping on this delicious and convenient bandwagon.

share organics is victoria's version and i'm signed up to receive my very first bin on thursday. i received my order preview a couple days ago - there's going to be apples and oranges, bananas, roasted hazelnuts, spinach, onions and leeks. and mung beans. and other things that aren't coming to mind.

i've never eaten mung beans before. not knowingly, at least. and i don't really know what to do with them. happily, another nice feature of share organics is that they provide recipes to correspond with their offerings.

i'm thinking of trying egg drop soup. it looks very simple. after bringing four cups of broth to a boil, add one celery stalk and half an onion, both diced. let that simmer for about twenty minutes. beat two eggs and add to the broth while stirring continually. then add the mung beans and your choice of braising greens. i have some red chard in the fridge or some spinach arriving in my bin on thursday. i might use a little of both. and that's it. easy peasy, eh? i'll post pictures of how it turns out.

sleep while i slip poison in your ear

i am still on my home made food kick (it's lasted for days and days now! i think that's a record.) today i received my instructables newsletter, which i always find inspiring. i started out browsing the candy recipes hoping for something sweet and delicious but not so full of sugar. from what i could see, sugar is a necessary ingredient in candy. i got distracted pretty quickly, though, so there may be something out there i just didn't see.

what i did find is this amazing recipe for making your own mozzarella cheese!


How to Make Great Fresh Mozzarella Cheese - More DIY How To Projects

who knew? unfortunately, i am supposed to be cutting all sugar - sucrose, lactose, fructose, happiness-ose - out of my diet. just for the time being. it was strongly advised by a professional. don't worry about my being extreme. she actually advised that i be slapped if i continue to consume any form of sugar until my body has a chance to sort things out and heal itself. but i'll be right back at fruit and dairy (and beer) as soon as i'm given the go-ahead. until then... you should make this cheese and let me know how it works out! i'm dying to try it.

through storms of red roses

i am homed once again. after couch surfing across the country for seven months i am thrilled to have landed. and i am absolutely smitten with the space. it is a bright open character suite with a delightful garden in the backyard. apparently the area was originally upper chinatown. there is a goji berry bush growing next to the driveway.

at the moment i am thrilled by the idea of cooking. it may be because i've been living off no-prep food for far too long, or it may be a new kitchen equipped with my new roomie's fabulous kitchen supplies. or i may just be hungry. whatever it is, i've got the bug.

i've been scanning epicurious for recipes and ideas. i love their setup! you can search by what you have on hand or prep type or cuisine type... and the pictures are mouth watering. then, once you find something you want to try, save it to your recipe box. from there select the recipes you want to make this week and it will compile a shopping list for you! even organized by aisle. o technology. how i heart you.

today i made granola. we met a woman in winnipeg who kept a large glass jar of homemade granola on hand at all times and i've wanted to try it ever since. i didn't follow the recipe exactly. i'm terrible for measuring. too lazy and impatient. plus i hate dirtying all those extra dishes. i skipped the pecans and raisins and dried blueberries since payday is not until friday but i made up for it with extra almonds and dates, then added some pumpkin and flax seeds. before i mixed it all together i sprinkled cinnamon on the roasted seeds and almonds. mmmm i guarantee this is not going to last long.

high above the largest ocean on planet earth

We must talk in every telephone, get eaten off the web
We must rip out all the epilogues from the books that we have read
And into the face of every criminal strapped firmly to a chair
We must stare, we must stare, we must stare

We must take all of the medicines too expensive now to sell
Set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell
And in the ear of every anarchist who sleeps but doesn't dream
We must sing, we must sing, we must sing

While my mother waters plants
My father loads his gun.
He says, "Death will give us back to God,
just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean."

We must blend into the choir, sing as static with the whole,
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul,
And to this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run.

We must hang up in the belfry where the bats in moonlight laugh
We must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past
And into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love
We must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge.

And then we'll get down there,
way down to the very bottom of everything
and then we'll see it, oh we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it.

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
Oh the city bus is swimming past.
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one.

At the Bottom of Everything
Bright Eyes

tapping your time on a conga drum

i made a new friend from south africa who introduced me to my newest goal. emu riding. wee!

the bits of your broken tooth

o job hunt. you are so demoralizing. once again i begin to consider the benefits of marrying rich.

white as a knuckle and terribly upset

i have made yogurt twice now.

wait, that's a lie.

i have successfully made yogurt twice now. there was some trial and error but i have mastered my own process. i am eating some of my second batch right now and i have not died or even fallen seriously ill.

it's actually quite simple. so simple it seems like it shouldn't work. warm your oven to 100 degrees and turn on the interior light. at the same time, bring a pot of milk to a boil. watch it carefully because once it hits boiling point it foams over in half a second. remove from heat and let cool until it is lukewarm to touch. technically you want to heat the milk to 180 degrees, then cool it to 110. i still use a thermometer because i'm very impatient and messed up at least one batch by not letting it cool long enough. once cooled, stir in a tablespoon of plain yogurt with active cultures - this is likely any plain yogurt you buy at the store or leftovers from a previous batch. cover with a lid and place in the warmed oven. leave the light on but turn the heat off. the light is enough to maintain the level of warmth that will cultivate the bacteria. after seven hours you will have yogurt! and the longer you leave it past seven hours, the thicker and more sour it will become.

i prefer plain yogurt. i add honey or fruit when i eat it so i don't have any suggestions for how to flavour your creation. but it's yogurt! and you made it! i say just try it to feed to friends. yogurt party!

the sun was burning out the cells in my brain

this particular strip is just so very appropriate for my blog.

now seems to be a good time to introduce you all to a softer world. i discovered this delightful little art-comic when it used to be published in the coast, halifax's weekly entertainment newspaper. we ripped it out nearly every week to display on the fridge or someone's door. if i ever find a place to live (i'm still crashing at whit's itty bitty bachelor apartment) i want to order prints from their web site to adorn my walls.

the sound of loneliness makes me happier

the gestation period of a human has passed since my last post. this may lead some to wrong conclusions regarding the reason for my silence. in truth, i simply grew tired of my own narcissistic navel-gazing. and while the past nine months have been filled with events that have rocketed me to bliss and drop kicked me to depression, i have not felt the urge to record these moments. it was a relaxing break for my brain to simply allow this veritable roller coaster of emotion to wash over me, being fully present in it instead of detaching myself by constantly narrating life inside my head.

last spring found me starting my first full time job out of necessity and not desire. in a cubicle, no less. i would list that under the drop kick category. i sincerely felt the drudgery of nine-to-five, monday to friday office work. dilbert comics took on a whole new meaning in my life. i lived for friday. while i understand the vast majority of our society lives like this, i cannot see how. i suspect drinking helps.

monica moved in while she prepared to head back west without me. her departure was gradual (it took three tries for it to finally take) which helped me to adjust to being somewhat alone in the east. it is a very strange feeling to be surrounded by people who have only known you a year. shared history suddenly seemed surprisingly important. none of these people, whom i loved dearly, had met my first car, seen me wear orange ballroom skirts to high school, even recognized mr. pg. i savoured the freedom and the loneliness for the few months it lasted.

then, the culmination of a year's planning and scrimping. europe. most definitely the top of the bliss list. made each and every day spent sorting emails in a lifeless gray box worth it. walking the streets of paris at twilight, drinking wine in borrowed glasses in the middle of palazzo san marco in venice, racing across the tarmac for first-come, first-serve airplane seats with ryanair... those and so many, many more are dream fulfilling moments i can never forget and each one still makes my heart race.

after a few final glorious weeks in halifax, i began the sudden and unexpected drive back. the return across canada, in the same circumstances and with the same wonderful beings as the initial trip, was almost a life in rewind. the first couple days felt as though the two years spent in the east had never happened; that we had arrived triumphantly and were now simply turning back for home. in fact, i kept insisting it was spring, perhaps imagining that we had wintered on the coast. return trips to moncton, montreal, dryden, georgetown, winnipeg and nelson only reinforced the feeling of living in reverse.

now i have landed once again into some sort of normalcy. restarting life back on the west coast is proving to be a challenge, of course, but a delightful one. the job hunt is not my favourite activity. i am absolutely sure within myself that i am more than capable of doing the jobs that i apply for but i find it difficult to prove that to potential employers by means of a cover letter and resume. let me have an interview and i can tell you! but more often than not i don't get that chance. my skills, experience and knowledge are a little all over the map. payroll, design, cheque checking, serving, insurance, cleaning, machine embroidering, reception, knitting, selling... even i have to admit the breadcrumbs on my career path are widely scattered.

which brings me to the straw that broke the stubborn camel's non-blogging back. MetaLab is looking for an office asssitant. look at their web site. it is beautiful. beyond the initial aesthetically pleasing design, it is functional, clean, straightforward... a stunning example of everything i believe web sites should be. everything i wish my web sites were. and i desire this job breathlessly. i want to fetch their dry cleaning and bring them coffee and type minutes of meetings if it means i can absorb some of their genius in the process.

*note* my apologies to the metalab team for this shameless begging and flattery. please be assured it is completely sincere. i just want the chance to work with you.

i know what this metal is for

Indeed, there is nothing more vexing, for example, than to be wealthy, of decent family, of decent appearance, not badly educated, not stupid, even kind-hearted, and at the same time to possess no talent, no special quality, nor even any eccentricity, not a single idea of one's own, to be decidedly 'just like everyone else'. Wealth, perhaps, but not the wealth of a Rothschild; an honourable family, but not one that has ever distinguished itself in any way; a decent appearance, but really not very expressive; a decent education, but no idea about how to put it to use; intelligence, but an absence of one's own ideas; a heart, but a lack of generosity, etcetera, etcetera, in every respect. There is an extremely large number of such people in the world, and even far more than it may seem; they are divided, like all human beings, into two main categories: those who are limited and those who are 'far more intelligent'. The first category is the happier one. For the limited 'ordinary' person there is, for example, nothing easier than to imagine himself to be an unusual and original person, and to take enjoyment in this without hesitation. Some of our young ladies need only have their hair cut short, put on blue spectacles and call themselves nihilists in order to be instantly persuaded that, having donned the spectacles, they have at once begun to possess their own 'convictions'. Some men need only feel a drop of some universally human and good-natured feeling within their hearts in order to be instantly persuaded that no one feels as they do, that they are in the vanguard of public enlightenment. Others need only accept some idea by word of mouth or read a page of something without beginning or end in order instantly to believe that this is 'their own idea' and has been conceived within their own brains. In such cases, the insolence of naivety, if one may be permitted to express it thus, attains an astonishing dimension; it is all of it incredible, but is constantly encountered . . .

One of the dramatis personae of our narrative, Gavrila Ardalionovich Ivolgin, belonged to the second category; he belonged to the category of men who are 'far more intelligent', though completely inflamed, from head to toe, with the desire to be original. As we noted above, however, this category is far more unhappy than the first. The fact of the matter is that the intelligent ordinary man, even though he may imagine himself in passing (and, indeed, throughout the whole of his life) to be a man of genius, and most original, none the less retains within his heart a worm of doubt, which sometimes leads to the intelligent man ending in total despair; for if he submits, it is not until he has been entirely poisoned by a vanity that has been driven inward. However, we have in any case taken an extreme instance: for the overwhelming majority of this intelligent category of men, matters do not proceed at all so tragically; their livers may deteriorate towards the sunset of their lives, perhaps, but that is all. Even so, before surrendering and resigning themselves, these men sometimes continue to play the fool for an extremely long time, all the way from their youth to the age of submission, and all from a desire to be original. Strange instances are even encountered: from a desire for originality an honest man may be prepared to resolve upon a base action; it sometimes even happens that one of these unfortunates is not only honest, but is kind, the Provider of his household, maintaining and nourishing by his toils not only his own family, but others, too, and what do we see? All through his life he can have no rest! For him, the thought that he has performed his duties as a human being so well is not at all a calming or consoling one; even the contrary -- it is this thought that irritates him: 'This,' he says, 'is what I have wasted all my life on, this is what has bound me hand and foot, this is what has prevented me from discovering gunpowder! Had it not been for this, I would certainly have discovered either gunpowder or America -- I don't really know which, but I would certainly have discovered one of them!' Most typical of all for these gentlemen is that throughout their lives they can never ascertain for certain just what it is they need to discover and just what it is that, all their lives, they are on the point of discovering: gunpowder or America? While their sufferings, their longing for discovery, would truly have been enough for Columbus or Galileo.

The Idiot
Fyodor Dostoyevsky