let this phone ring out into nowhere

at each of her 'coffeehouse tour' shows, carmel gets the audience to sing along with her on one of her songs. the chorus is simple: 'i don't need it anymore' repeated three and a half times. by way of interest-arousing introduction, she invites people to think about the things in their life that they want to get rid of, all the things they don't need anymore. she suggests anything from clutter to toxic people to time wasters. it's rather effective. people belt it out rather enthusiastically after given the chance to make it personal.

it has made me wonder about what things i don't need anymore. i love all the people in my life right now. having moved six times in three years, i don't really have a lot of unnecessary possessions. all i can seriously consider needing to get rid of is myself. or, at least, parts of myself.

i would like to get rid of my weakness and my failure, my self-destructive habits and my lack of focus. i can make an extensive list once i think of it in these terms.

with every seeming fresh start (new year, new house, new job, etc) i set all kinds of goals for the person i am going to become. and everytime i fail to follow through. it's difficult to just stop being lazy and afraid. it's not something i can put on a list, do, then cross off - like taking out the garbage. it's not ever really done. not in this system anyway.

let the poets cry themselves to sleep

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.

***

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

Sylvia Plath

i will burn again tomorrow

Mrs. Glass watched him pull it on. She didn't stay for the tying of the lace, however. Instead, she left the room. But slowly. Moving with a certain uncharacteristic heaviness -- a drag, actually -- that distracted Zooey. He looked up and over at her with considerable attention. "I just don't know any more what's happened to all you children," Mrs. Glass said vaguely, without turning around. She stopped at one of the towel bars and straightened a washcloth. "In the old radio days, when you were all little and all, you all used to be so -- smart and happy and -- just lovely. Morning, noon, and night." She bent over and picked up from the tiled floor what appeared to be a long, mysteriously blondish human hair. She made a slight detour with it over to the wastebasket, saying, "I don't know what good it is to know so much and be smart as whips and all if it doesn't make you happy." Her back was toward Zooey as she moved again toward the door. "At least," she said, "you all used to be so sweet and loving to each other it was a joy to see." She opened the door, shaking her head. "Just a joy," she said firmly, and closed the door behind her.

Zooey, looking over at the closed door, inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. "Some exit lines you give yourself, buddy!" he called after her -- but only when he must have been sure that his voice wouldn't really reach her down the hall.

Franny and Zooey
J.D. Salinger

slipping in and out of those ocean breezes

reasons i do not need to be addicted to evil chemical candy:

dried figs
black licorice
dark chocolate
dried mango

they know their metal alloys

just for the record, i went to see matt anderson and then i went to bed. it was overwhelmingly happifying. it cannot be expressed in words, only in dance. and we most certainly did that. and continue to do it spontaneously as we recall moments and songs and fantastic blues guitar riffs.

o and you know how sometimes the day's text is dead on for what you need to hear? this little quote stuck with me this morning:

We need not be frantic, driven to reach our full potential right now.

thanks for the reminder.

you were hungry as a poet

i will never succeed until i can focus my energies on a single goal. i am too easily distracted. i want to do and try and experience everything. i am not willing to sacrifice the things i want to do less in order to be truly successful at the things i want to do more. i still don't truly believe in my heart that i can't be everything all at once. i can be a pirate and a pioneer and a graphic designer and a world traveler and a writer and a good person and a fun friend and a deeply spiritual person and a trapeze artist and a clothing designer and knit constantly throughout all of it.

i'm exaggerating. i've never really desired to be a trapeze artist. but a contortionist? one day i will be a contortionist. it will come in handy for when i become an international spy and jewel thief.

the worst is when i want to be completely conflicting things at the same time. i want to be responsible and spontaneous, balanced and imbalanced, practical and flighty.

i want to see matt anderson and friends play tonight and i want to go to bed.