maybe you could break my heart next summer

CBC News - World - Carlsberg employees decry limits on beer at work

like two ships passing in the night, my dream job appears just as it is being shut down.

twenty-something's just a state of mind

as it turned out i continued to cheat and still went for wings and beer on monday. that's how i roll. no self-control, all self-indulgence.

i turned to books to justify my actions. the diet cure explains why it's not my fault that i couldn't stay away from bad food for thirty days. it also claims to be able to fix me within twenty-four hours with amino acids.

guilt absolved.

in far more exciting news, tomorrow is my last day at the hair salon where i have been working. squeezed in my final free cut this afternoon. i doubt i shall ever have such fancy hair again. it's impressive - an asymmetrical bob in red with a copper panel and some eggplant in my bangs. that's right. i'm a rock star.

i really enjoy trying out new jobs. it has been quite educational to be at carreiro. i have a level of comfort with hair salons and stylists, and even my own hair, that i never imagined before. i would gladly jump around to new entry level jobs every couple of months. learn the ropes, get comfortable, then move on. think that's a touch of a.d.d. or just plain old fear and laziness?

as it is, i'm back to square one - time to suck it up and put myself out there for some real grown up work in design. eek!

the sound of loneliness makes me happier

the gestation period of a human has passed since my last post. this may lead some to wrong conclusions regarding the reason for my silence. in truth, i simply grew tired of my own narcissistic navel-gazing. and while the past nine months have been filled with events that have rocketed me to bliss and drop kicked me to depression, i have not felt the urge to record these moments. it was a relaxing break for my brain to simply allow this veritable roller coaster of emotion to wash over me, being fully present in it instead of detaching myself by constantly narrating life inside my head.

last spring found me starting my first full time job out of necessity and not desire. in a cubicle, no less. i would list that under the drop kick category. i sincerely felt the drudgery of nine-to-five, monday to friday office work. dilbert comics took on a whole new meaning in my life. i lived for friday. while i understand the vast majority of our society lives like this, i cannot see how. i suspect drinking helps.

monica moved in while she prepared to head back west without me. her departure was gradual (it took three tries for it to finally take) which helped me to adjust to being somewhat alone in the east. it is a very strange feeling to be surrounded by people who have only known you a year. shared history suddenly seemed surprisingly important. none of these people, whom i loved dearly, had met my first car, seen me wear orange ballroom skirts to high school, even recognized mr. pg. i savoured the freedom and the loneliness for the few months it lasted.

then, the culmination of a year's planning and scrimping. europe. most definitely the top of the bliss list. made each and every day spent sorting emails in a lifeless gray box worth it. walking the streets of paris at twilight, drinking wine in borrowed glasses in the middle of palazzo san marco in venice, racing across the tarmac for first-come, first-serve airplane seats with ryanair... those and so many, many more are dream fulfilling moments i can never forget and each one still makes my heart race.

after a few final glorious weeks in halifax, i began the sudden and unexpected drive back. the return across canada, in the same circumstances and with the same wonderful beings as the initial trip, was almost a life in rewind. the first couple days felt as though the two years spent in the east had never happened; that we had arrived triumphantly and were now simply turning back for home. in fact, i kept insisting it was spring, perhaps imagining that we had wintered on the coast. return trips to moncton, montreal, dryden, georgetown, winnipeg and nelson only reinforced the feeling of living in reverse.

now i have landed once again into some sort of normalcy. restarting life back on the west coast is proving to be a challenge, of course, but a delightful one. the job hunt is not my favourite activity. i am absolutely sure within myself that i am more than capable of doing the jobs that i apply for but i find it difficult to prove that to potential employers by means of a cover letter and resume. let me have an interview and i can tell you! but more often than not i don't get that chance. my skills, experience and knowledge are a little all over the map. payroll, design, cheque checking, serving, insurance, cleaning, machine embroidering, reception, knitting, selling... even i have to admit the breadcrumbs on my career path are widely scattered.

which brings me to the straw that broke the stubborn camel's non-blogging back. MetaLab is looking for an office asssitant. look at their web site. it is beautiful. beyond the initial aesthetically pleasing design, it is functional, clean, straightforward... a stunning example of everything i believe web sites should be. everything i wish my web sites were. and i desire this job breathlessly. i want to fetch their dry cleaning and bring them coffee and type minutes of meetings if it means i can absorb some of their genius in the process.

*note* my apologies to the metalab team for this shameless begging and flattery. please be assured it is completely sincere. i just want the chance to work with you.

my favorite things about my job

• writing on the desk
• knowing people's names and hearing their voices before i ever meet them
• my ridiculously socially akward boss
• freecell on the sly
• my rolly chair
• having a reason to get out of bed in the morning
• using the headset just because it makes me feel professional
• re-organizing and colour coding the files
• exceeding my fellow employees' low expectations
• 'zooming' (a little inside, i know)
• reliving the glory days of dial-up internet
• coffee
• the huge calculator

trust in Jehovah and do good

so, i quit my job. i'm getting good at that.

it was too many hours. they wanted me to be full time, and i couldn't handle it, so i left. i had been thinking about it for a while, but i wasn't sure if i was just being lazy, or if it really was too much. the schedule i made on paper looked like it could work, but not in reality. i had a hard time deciding if the job was a blessing or a temptation. but then i talked to my family about it, and steve asked me if the job was affecting my joy in service, and it definitely was. i hadn't been able to get over ten hours a week or catch up to most of my rv's since i started there, which was not making me happy. i had considered staying until i found something else, but if i had i would have had no chance of getting my time this month. so i quit.

i kept thinking about how when i first arrived in mazatlan i had no idea what i was doing. i knew no one, i had nowhere to live, i had never lived on my own, nothing. but Jehovah provided for me. everything worked out wonderfully. i felt like i had leapt off a cliff, and he had caught me. (anyone seen rescuers down under? the little boy and the eagle.... like that). so i decided i needed to do that again. i said a prayer, and told my boss. he made me feel kinda naive and stupid, cause he didn't understand why i couldn't make it work, or how i thought i was going to support myself. but i realized it doesn't matter what he thinks. plus (this happened last thursday) when i studied for the ministry school, the instruction talk dealt with 'does Jehovah notice what we do?' and it discussed the widow of zarapheth. it was exactly what i needed to hear.

'let you manner of life be free of the love of money, while you are content with the present things. for he has said: "i will by no means leave you nor by any means forsake you." so that we may be of good courage and say: "Jehovah is my helper; i will not be afraid. what can man do to me?" ' - hebrews 13:5, 6.

so i'm broke and unemployed again. but i have plenty of time to catch up in service, and i have an interview at a bank tomorrow. i just hope i can still make it to calgary for my mexican reunion. my car runs on holy spirit anyway. plus, did anybody notice that will ferrel commented on my blog? that pretty much completes me. i can die happy.

do not call anyone your father on earth, for one is your father, the heavenly one

hi! this is erin calling from the prince george free press! i was hoping to speak to the person in charge of your advertising!

egads. i hate sales. i hate the phone. and i really hate selling things over the phone. other than that, work is fabulous.

i'm not working at the embroidery place anymore. they didn't want me to have two jobs. they need someone who can be more flexible than that. that's fine. it was a stupid job anyway. so now i am pretty much exclusively at free press, other than a little cleaning on the weekend. and it's going alright. the people i work with are wonderful. they are friendly and forgiving and willing to help me. par ejamplo, today i was miserable because i had decided that i couldn't do this job and that i am a terrible salesperson and that i want to quit. and then dave (my boss) gave me a new project to work on and said i did very well on the last one considering i was completely new at it. so then i felt better.

and guess what my new project is... come on, guess... you're wrong. it's a worship services directory. serious. tomorrow i have to go to all the churches and get them to advertise with us. that's gonna be weird.

here's a blip of conversation from my office this afternoon regarding that:

dave: tomorrow you can phone all the churches and set up times to visit them.
judy: they're going to tell you to come back sunday morning.
dave: you'll have to tell them you're someone they wouldn't want to come back on sundays... like heidi, or someone who's sold their soul to the devil.
heidi: or a jw. hee hee.

mwahahahahahahaha. little do they know...

well, they do know, now.

i want a house on the beach and you in my dreams

the last present i bought in mexico was a gorgeous summer dress for my niece. i used the last of my money because i just had to have it for her. and it's barely big enough to fit her as a shirt. i left a baby and came back to a little girl. people aren't kidding when they say kids grow up fast. and i guess it seems a lot faster when you don't see them for six months. she's as gorgeous as ever, and still a good kid. she's talking lots. and she still loves uncle steve. she comes alive when he gets home. and she still eats all my food. i was eating a cracker with peanut butter and banana, and she smoothly slid off her chair and inched over to me. she picked up a banana slice and gave it to me, watching my reaction. she then proceeded to eat every piece of banana off my cracker, and the one in my hand. then she asked me to pick up the cracker. "why?" i asked.

"so i can eat it."

at least she's learned one thing from me.

so i got a third job. i just don't know how to say no. this one is for a local newspaper, so i'm actually kind of excited about it. i'm nervous because it's advertising sales, and i have never done that. but they are willing to take a chance on me. they think i have the right personality for it, since i'm so nice and likable. though they did say i was too quiet, and i should work on being firmer. if it doesn't work out, they keep mentioning that it at least gets my foot in the door in case anything opens up in ad design. which would be amazing. anyway, it's casual part-time. i'm not entirely sure what is involved, and it sounds like the hours are going to be kinda unpredictable. should be fun.

dibs blog title

so i gave in like the follower that i am and changed my template. after britta changed hers i couldn't stop obsessing that mine was now too bright and flashy. then jordan changed his, and i decided that since i wasn't the only one copying, i should be allowed to join the fun. i then considered "friend templates" (meaning using the exact same template as britta and then reminding her that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery) but decided that was over the line.

after a month of severe depression and deep despair i have found a job. it's not much, but it's mine and it restores at least a shred of my dignity, my self-worth. actually, i dropped off about ten resumes around town on friday, and i've already heard back from three, and took one job this morning. so that's confidence boosting. anyway, it's at an embroidery shop downtown. time will tell whether or not it is remotely interesting. it's sorta, kinda, vaguely related to what i went to school for. basically that means that there's a computer involved, and there's potential for creative expression. the hours are great; tuesday, thursday, and saturday from 10 until 5. i didn't ask, but i believe it's just minimum wage. i also had an interview at a call center (not sales, market research) but it would be monday, wednesday, friday from 2 until 9, and either saturday or sunday from 9 until 5. and i'm not a huge fan of those hours. it's surveys, so i think it would be interesting to do one shift of it, but that's all. i'm pretty happy with my embroidery job. for the most part it's going to be just me and gale (not gail, or gayle, like the woman's name, but gale, like a strong, stormy wind) and ernie, her black pomeranian. and don't judge ernie just cause he's black and a pomeranian. he's a good guy. the strong silent type, which is just the way i like him.

The days get shorter and the nights get cold. I like the autumn but this place is getting old.

the only thing that really got me through work tonight was the knowledge that it was my final weekend shift. *sigh of contentment* plus those creepy old drunk guys that hit on me gave me a flower. that was kinda nice.

i'm in this strange transitional mode, where i'm waiting for things to start happening in my life, and i feel like they're so close, but i can't do anything until they do happen. like i'm stuck in limbo, or susupended animation. all my time is spent obsessing and preparing to leave. only twenty more days til mexico. then it should all start coming together. i'll have my own place, and lots of room to explore. and no job to hinder my fun.

yay for not working.

time for bed though. it's far too late to be up... i have my assembly in the morning.

yay for assemblies.