twenty-something's just a state of mind

as it turned out i continued to cheat and still went for wings and beer on monday. that's how i roll. no self-control, all self-indulgence.

i turned to books to justify my actions. the diet cure explains why it's not my fault that i couldn't stay away from bad food for thirty days. it also claims to be able to fix me within twenty-four hours with amino acids.

guilt absolved.

in far more exciting news, tomorrow is my last day at the hair salon where i have been working. squeezed in my final free cut this afternoon. i doubt i shall ever have such fancy hair again. it's impressive - an asymmetrical bob in red with a copper panel and some eggplant in my bangs. that's right. i'm a rock star.

i really enjoy trying out new jobs. it has been quite educational to be at carreiro. i have a level of comfort with hair salons and stylists, and even my own hair, that i never imagined before. i would gladly jump around to new entry level jobs every couple of months. learn the ropes, get comfortable, then move on. think that's a touch of a.d.d. or just plain old fear and laziness?

as it is, i'm back to square one - time to suck it up and put myself out there for some real grown up work in design. eek!

checked my pulse and fever too

i just ate an entire cadbury burnt almond dark chocolate bar. i think i'm pms-ing and completely unreasonable. i'll try again in a couple days.

let me walk down your street

i blew it. two days in a row actually. went to an oscars party sunday and decided i had earned an indulgence (yes, i just make up rules to suit myself as i go along). i had a piece of cheesecake and a few other things, like feta in my salad. today i was supposed to be back at it. i was fine most of the day but i came home (from another remilio sheen show! delightful tho not quite as amazing as the first.) and my body demanded wendy's. quite honestly, i just didn't have the energy to resist anymore.

the most frustrating part is that (aside from the cheesecake) the indulgences were rather disappointing. they didn't satisfy me deeply. mostly they make me mad that i wasted cheating on something other than beer. and now i feel kinda ill.

so now the decision... start over with 30 days to go? keep going and pretend this never happened? or give up altogether? i should probably wait til morning to decide. life has more hope in the morning.

i must have slipped between his teeth

twenty-five things about me

1. i am an introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging, rational mastermind. that means i am anal, ruled by logic, and fiercely independent.

2. sometimes my mom calls me sweetcheeks. i know she calls other people this too but it makes me feel very special when she says it to me.

3. i love my family immensely. they are my favourite people in the world. i love that we are all uniquely dysfunctional people on our own but that we can come together and laugh about it.

4. i have more than my fair share of amazing friends in my life. not sure how that has happened but i am constantly blown away by it.

5. i would rather be interesting than happy.

6. i am a compulsive knitter and reader. i wish i had other hobbies that i consider more cool or productive, such as painting or sewing, but to some extent i think hobbies pick you and not the other way around.

7. i want to see, do, try, and experience everything. most of the time this feeling is so overwhelming i am paralyzed by indecision and instead do nothing.

8. my dream trip is russia.

9. i consider myself a writer even though i haven't written anything seriously since high school.

10. i believe all men are either liars and scum or pansy momma's boys. sorry dad, you fall under momma's boy. but that's one of the things i love about you.

11. i still believe in love.

12. i have always felt that redheads are a superior people living among us. i only wish i was one and i hope they accept my imitation as a form of honouring them.

13. i am so cheap i save and reuse tea bags.

14. generally i prefer to eat brown rice, vegetables, and homemade soup but once i bought a warehouse pack of chocolate pop tarts and lived off it for a week. and another time, after a mild emotional breakdown, i ate an entire two litre tub of rolo ice cream in one sitting.

15. i hate getting older because i don't think i'm learning enough in the process. also, i miss my naive idealism.

16. wearing rain boots makes me feel invincible.

17. my one true love was morton gunther adolf schmidt, an '87 vw jetta. i loved him more than i like most people and when he died i cried longer and harder than i have about anything else. i find this funny and sad at the same time.

18. sometimes i feel my most dominant emotion is envy. i'm really working to become someone who rejoices when others rejoice without any thought for myself.

19. i have an unprecedented capacity for sleep. my secret talent involves getting up at the last possible moment and being washed, dressed, and out the door within ten minutes.

20. i need people more than i care to admit. even to myself. i wish i was a better people-person. i don't even really know what that means and that may be the beginning of my problem.

21. the blues is my favourite form of music. it honestly portrays the messiness of life in a way that makes you want to dance.

22. i am most grateful for Jehovah's forgiveness for many reasons, one being that it is teaching me to forgive myself.

23. sometimes i feel that people - even those closest to me - are afraid of me. this is the loneliest feeling i know.

24. i find kilts sexy.

25. i am most at peace when walking at night. i look forward to the time when i can do this without people worrying about me.

there is nothing gentle about the light you emanate

me summed up in images. think you can figure out what it means?

my heart is always on the line

last night i was putting aloe gel on my sunburnt back when i felt something a little strange. i quickly got in front of my mirror and tried to look over my shoulder to (hopefully) prove that what i had felt was not what i thought it was. unfortunately it only confirmed my fears. i had a hair a good six inches long growing out of the central to lower area on my back. six inches! get out a ruler and see for yourself how disgustingly long that is! it's half a subway sandwich.

of course, i left it in until monica and beth got home so i could share this treasure my body had generated for me. it was when we were trying to colour it with a marker so it would show up in pictures that it came out. it sends shivers down my spine just talking about it.

not that that stops me. i tend to enjoy things that send shivers down my spine.

so when i got to work today i had to share this with people. one of them reacted like this happens to her all the time. she wasn't surprised or creeped out. she just said it must have been an ingrown that i had pulled out when i was rubbing the aloe in. i could have hair growing all over inside my body! have you heard of this before?

i'm fascinated and horrified. and i'm not alone in this! google it. you get all kinds of information, pictures... there is even a video on youtube of a guy pulling out his ingrown hair! we humans are quite gross.

this house is sad because he's not tidy

i fear i have no imagination.

i am constantly humbled, even crippled or paralyzed, by what other people are capable of creating. i have some pretty amazing people in my life who are simply fearless. they can plunge their fingers into dirt and form art without considering that what they are doing may be difficult for other people. they don't wonder if what they do is 'good' - it is original, it is theirs. they ask nothing from it but that they enjoy the process and perhaps learn something. and in shedding the challenges, or maybe not even recognizing their existence, they free themselves and are able to create incredible music, art, poetry, and design.

i think i lack something they have. i've given this a lot of thought throughout my life, as it has almost always been an issue for me. i desire the ability to freely create but something holds me back. sometimes i wonder if it is simply raw talent and other times i think it is the determination and drive. or maybe the courage to fail hundreds of times in order to succeed just once. then again, i also use the excuse that i am a left-brained rational mastermind and perhaps i just have no creative juices flowing through my veins. or they are immobilized by my decided lack of emotion or heart. i have many theories, as you can see.

perhaps i just use up all my imagination making excuses for myself. that and my dreams.

i have read ryan's ideas for strengthening one's right brain and i occasionally remember to do the exercises, though i'm not entirely sure that i'm doing them correctly. and i have been trying to force myself to do things i am not comfortable with, such as writing and painting. even showing it to people. trying not to care what they think but just sharing so as to inspire and encourage one another to continue in these attempts. i don't know if this will ever come naturally to me. any tips?

all the unborn chicken noises in my head

beth says i smell like a library.

gonna let everybody see just what you are

today i am 24. i do not enjoy getting older. i fight it with all my being but time doesn't even seem to notice my efforts. i've been anticipating this day for months now. i thought it would make it easier on me if i made a list of things i wanted to accomplish before i turned twenty-four. unfortunately, i suppose it only helps if you do the things on the list.

but instead of dwelling on how much i don't want to be older, how i don't feel older, definitely not wiser or more mature, let alone successful or accomplished, i'm going to attempt a positive perspective. what did i do while i was 23?

the obvious: i traveled across the country in a vw van. i made friends in every province and territory except newfoundland and nunavut, climbed buttes in saskatchewan, ate bagels in montreal, watched cirque du soleil in toronto, went to the stratford festival, camped by the great lakes, reached the atlantic ocean. definitely the highlights of the past year.

what else? i auxilliaried as often as i believe i was capable. i persisted in finding work that will enable me to pioneer again (hopefully soon!). i settled into the middle of a new congregation instead of disappearing in the edges. i started learning guitar (again) and actually made some progress. i stayed in close contact with my parents even after moving so far away.

i have many regrets. those are much easier to list. but i won't. at least, not here. i'll put them somewhere else - on a page entitled 'things to change and accomplish while 24.' check back in a year to see how that works out for me.