the sound of loneliness makes me happier

the gestation period of a human has passed since my last post. this may lead some to wrong conclusions regarding the reason for my silence. in truth, i simply grew tired of my own narcissistic navel-gazing. and while the past nine months have been filled with events that have rocketed me to bliss and drop kicked me to depression, i have not felt the urge to record these moments. it was a relaxing break for my brain to simply allow this veritable roller coaster of emotion to wash over me, being fully present in it instead of detaching myself by constantly narrating life inside my head.

last spring found me starting my first full time job out of necessity and not desire. in a cubicle, no less. i would list that under the drop kick category. i sincerely felt the drudgery of nine-to-five, monday to friday office work. dilbert comics took on a whole new meaning in my life. i lived for friday. while i understand the vast majority of our society lives like this, i cannot see how. i suspect drinking helps.

monica moved in while she prepared to head back west without me. her departure was gradual (it took three tries for it to finally take) which helped me to adjust to being somewhat alone in the east. it is a very strange feeling to be surrounded by people who have only known you a year. shared history suddenly seemed surprisingly important. none of these people, whom i loved dearly, had met my first car, seen me wear orange ballroom skirts to high school, even recognized mr. pg. i savoured the freedom and the loneliness for the few months it lasted.

then, the culmination of a year's planning and scrimping. europe. most definitely the top of the bliss list. made each and every day spent sorting emails in a lifeless gray box worth it. walking the streets of paris at twilight, drinking wine in borrowed glasses in the middle of palazzo san marco in venice, racing across the tarmac for first-come, first-serve airplane seats with ryanair... those and so many, many more are dream fulfilling moments i can never forget and each one still makes my heart race.

after a few final glorious weeks in halifax, i began the sudden and unexpected drive back. the return across canada, in the same circumstances and with the same wonderful beings as the initial trip, was almost a life in rewind. the first couple days felt as though the two years spent in the east had never happened; that we had arrived triumphantly and were now simply turning back for home. in fact, i kept insisting it was spring, perhaps imagining that we had wintered on the coast. return trips to moncton, montreal, dryden, georgetown, winnipeg and nelson only reinforced the feeling of living in reverse.

now i have landed once again into some sort of normalcy. restarting life back on the west coast is proving to be a challenge, of course, but a delightful one. the job hunt is not my favourite activity. i am absolutely sure within myself that i am more than capable of doing the jobs that i apply for but i find it difficult to prove that to potential employers by means of a cover letter and resume. let me have an interview and i can tell you! but more often than not i don't get that chance. my skills, experience and knowledge are a little all over the map. payroll, design, cheque checking, serving, insurance, cleaning, machine embroidering, reception, knitting, selling... even i have to admit the breadcrumbs on my career path are widely scattered.

which brings me to the straw that broke the stubborn camel's non-blogging back. MetaLab is looking for an office asssitant. look at their web site. it is beautiful. beyond the initial aesthetically pleasing design, it is functional, clean, straightforward... a stunning example of everything i believe web sites should be. everything i wish my web sites were. and i desire this job breathlessly. i want to fetch their dry cleaning and bring them coffee and type minutes of meetings if it means i can absorb some of their genius in the process.

*note* my apologies to the metalab team for this shameless begging and flattery. please be assured it is completely sincere. i just want the chance to work with you.

let this phone ring out into nowhere

at each of her 'coffeehouse tour' shows, carmel gets the audience to sing along with her on one of her songs. the chorus is simple: 'i don't need it anymore' repeated three and a half times. by way of interest-arousing introduction, she invites people to think about the things in their life that they want to get rid of, all the things they don't need anymore. she suggests anything from clutter to toxic people to time wasters. it's rather effective. people belt it out rather enthusiastically after given the chance to make it personal.

it has made me wonder about what things i don't need anymore. i love all the people in my life right now. having moved six times in three years, i don't really have a lot of unnecessary possessions. all i can seriously consider needing to get rid of is myself. or, at least, parts of myself.

i would like to get rid of my weakness and my failure, my self-destructive habits and my lack of focus. i can make an extensive list once i think of it in these terms.

with every seeming fresh start (new year, new house, new job, etc) i set all kinds of goals for the person i am going to become. and everytime i fail to follow through. it's difficult to just stop being lazy and afraid. it's not something i can put on a list, do, then cross off - like taking out the garbage. it's not ever really done. not in this system anyway.

i obscenity in the milk of thy fear

i suppose i should make an ammendment to my last post. my dad was a little horrified by my revelation. his exact words were 'not your finest moment.' perhaps the link to the video was a bit much. but, in my defense, i didn't watch the video before linking. i should have, i know, but i was doing this at the library and was very limited timewise. and, just so you know, my hair didn't come out of a gross pimply bloody spot. it just appeared out of nowhere.

there dad, i did my best to salvage some of the munn pride for you.

as for the latest and greatest in the land of erin... not much to report. if i failed to say so earlier, i am madly in love with halifax in the summer. there is constantly something going on. i just wish this level of activity and excitement could be maintained over the entire year.

monday evening we took the bus to tiny chocolate lake to cool off. it's close and accessible by bus but, unfortunately, a little rough. but water is water no matter what the atmosphere. matty generously bestowed a couple of cold beers upon me and beth, which we hoped to drink on top of a roof. failing to find one we could get to without being arrested, we switched our attention to the multitude of billboards just down from our house. again, we couldn't find a way to get up there. so we ended up sitting in a park and watching the sunset instead. and we decided beth will make us a rope ladder so we won't have this problem again. it's my job to find the grappling hook.

we are growing at the speed of light

for those of you who are not yet aware, tomorrow is the launch date for canada500. visit their site for explanations and concepts. and pictures of steve-o and my mom and dad! that's right. it's like they're celebrities.

i'm strangely excited for this trip considering i'm not going on it. all i get to do is check the site for stories and pictures. but i'm bordering on obsessed! i love the idea, the freedom, the potential for horrible mishaps. i can't figure out the reason. dan mentioned that he's noticed canadafivehundred is most popular with rationals. that too intrigues me. what is it about running away that appeals to intuitive thinkers? i constantly have to fight the urge to disappear - to just leave my house and my friends and my work and start over somewhere i'm completely unknown. it's mostly the disappearing that stays on my mind, the walking away and people wondering what ever happened to that girl they once knew.

in other news, last night i went to an all girl dance party and today i hurt. but it's a good hurt.

as small as a world and as large as alone

while i was battling my sinus cold we had an incident in the bathroom.

the girls started to notice a nasty odour that would not go away. because of my condition i had no idea there was a problem, though they keep telling me that the smell was so bad that it continues to haunt them. they tried a thorough bleaching and replacing the shower curtain but it didn't help. after a couple days beth called our landlord and asked him to come inspect.

i should also explain that we have had a couple of problems where we've had to call our landlord in. he's generally very nice about it but he's convinced we are nuts. once monica called him in to check on a loud cracking noise coming from the roof. of course it didn't happen once while he was there and he couldn't find a thing in or on the roof, at which point monica joked that perhaps it was just God talking to her. apparently he doesn't really get our humor. he probably thought it was a Witness thing.

when he came in to check on the mysterious stench he first claimed he couldn't smell a thing. monica was again the one home that day and she resisted the urge to make spiritual references. instead she just insisted that there was something seriously wrong. so he opened up our fan and pulled out a dead bird.

i had been trying to come up with something to add some colour to the bathroom so in honour of the fallen bird and inspired by crappy art night, i created this.

i know it's probably hard to believe, but it only took me about fifteen minutes to complete. what can i say, i'm a natural. i'm considering making a whole series.

all the unborn chicken noises in my head

beth says i smell like a library.

proud of ourselves for using so many verbs and nouns

here i come to dance around the sun

i've become re-obsessed with the myers-briggs personality tests. it's always in the back of my mind, especially as i meet new people. i'm constantly categorizing n's and s's, t's and f's. beth brought home a book about it the other day because she said she needed to understand me. monica she gets, but apparently i'm difficult to comprehend. who knew? i suppose that's all part of being a rational (an nt). we think everyone else thinks like us but very few do. i wish i could relate to how other's minds work.

i live with an infp (monica) and an enfp (beth). i suppose that's why beth gets monica - they're practically the same. i find i surround myself with idealists. they are fun and creative people. perhaps a little flighty at times.

i'm an intj, if you're interested. (if you're not, you're quite likely an s). that means, among other things, that i am fiercely independent and critical. i am also a perfectionist. so all my rambling discontent - ya, that fits right in. i suppose i'll always be this way. it's just who i am.

guess who else in an intj. arnold schwarzenegger. i'm in good company.

i could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will

monica has returned from a land far far away bearing wonderful gifts. we spent the afternoon drinking tequila, eating pop tarts, and catching up.

just for the record, tequila and pop tarts do not go well together.

now my mind is free to walk the streets we used to walk so quietly

time flies.

as you all may have guessed or heard, i made it to halifax! i'm here! i have a place to live and a job and a new room mate. i kept monica, of course. don't worry, we're still friends. but we had a third girl move in to be able to afford this place we found. plus she's nice and cute and needed a place to live.

i have been working on the pictures thing. in fact, i designed a nice page for them, prepped them, uploaded them... they should be ready for your viewing pleasure. but for some reason they hate me and won't work. i can't figure it out. and i'm too stubborn and angry to give up and post them some other way. so those of you that are still patiently checking this page and waiting for something interesting will have to wait longer. but i thank you for your interest. it is appreciated. and hopefully, someday, it will be rewarded.

my mom's coming to visit me! i'm a little excited about that. i've been telling everyone. all the ladies i work with are giving me tips as to what we can do while she's here. she'll be here on sunday. i'll play tourist with her and get some pictures of the city to add to the list of pictures i'm going to post here one day. in the possibly distant future.

so apartment... it is technically called a flat here (makes me feel a little european). not all apartments are, just those that are parts of a house. we have the top floor of a cute blue and yellow house with a nice view of the ocean and the bridge to dartmouth. it's big and open with lots of windows. i'm actually a little surprised by how great of a place we found. hardwood throughout, laundry in the building, only two other suites, landlord is very nice, and we can have the dog. we're slowly accumulating crappy old furniture. it's fun starting over. i do miss having nice things tho. i'll just have to find new ones.

and job... one thing you notice immediately here is that wages are drastically lower and the cost of living is actually higher. i wasn't worried about the wages at first because you assume the costs would be lower as well, but because there are two universities here and it's expensive to have things shipped here, it's quite the opposite. graphic design does not pay particularly well - but i am still looking. in the meantime, i have a job at a cheque processing office and i rather like it. i work with a bunch of middle aged women who are a hoot. you heard me, a hoot. i'm being trained by henry and marty. those are both women. good times. the work itself is even kind of interesting, at least for now.

i'm at the library and the computer is telling me time is up, so i'm off. sorry this took me so long. i really wanted to have the pictures done. but i'll fight with it some more.

you can't build fences around life

it has been too long! so much has happened. i will try to recap efficiently...

montreal is my newest love. i am completely smitten. i would have stayed but i do still really want to see halifax. but if i don't love halifax i will go back. it was too wonderful to stay away. i don't even know if i can explain why i love it so. it's beautiful and interesting and exciting. you can bring your own wine to restaurants, buy fresh cheese at an open air market after sampling the local beers, listen to a U2 cover band at an irish pub... i can't even remember everything we did. but i think of the city and i glow with happiness.

a big part of that would be thanks to gerald and heidi, our wonderful hosts and tour guides. i can't thank them enough. we would have been completely lost without them.

trois rivieres was a unique experience. we visited mike kiloso and met the family he lives with. they are all from the congo, so they spoke swahili with each other, french with monica, and little bits of english with me. then they fed us traditional african food. that was an experience all its own. i'm glad to have done it, but i don't know that i would do it again.

quebec city was beautiful. we spent the day wandering in old quebec and enjoying every view. ooo and i bought some amazing boots that i am in love with. they were regular $210... i got them for $40! a woo hoo. they don't have a name yet, but they may soon. they're that cute.

now we are on the east coast. in gaspe, specifically. the gaspe peninsula is the most breathtakingly beautiful place i have seen since bc. the weather has been miserable again but it's probably for the best since ava would overheat on the hills if it was the least bit warm.

that will have to do for now since my computer is going to die on me at any moment. pictures to come... eventually!

turn my face to the wall

so this weekend is pretty much amazing. we've spent the past couple days working our way south through ontario. ava is aligned and driving very well. yesterday we went to erin, which was even more exciting than i hoped. it's a gorgeous little town with four leaf clovers plastered all over. their slogan is 'experience the charm.' so accurate.

today we went to bethel, which was wonderful, of course. we got our directions online but they were misleading so we were late. we managed to keep it together, but of course we were both freaking out inside. after we'd gone in circles for a few minutes and confirmed that we were horribly lost, i phoned bethel and told the guy in reception what was going on. of course, as soon as i explained where we were, monica spotted the watchtower sign. so we made it. we missed the first prayer but we got the food. which was fettuccine alfredo with lots of vegetables on the side and coconut sherbet for dessert.

we saw karen markus, and jean funk, but that was about it. the whole place felt kind of empty during the tour. we had sixteen people in our group, with people from ottawa, winnipeg, hamilton, kentucky... and somewhere else i can't remember. the picture is of two adorable boys on our tour from the place i can't remember with our tour guide, who claimed to be mario lemieux's nephew.

when we first checked in for the tour the brother at the desk asked where we were from, so we told him bc. he got all excited and says, 'are you the girls driving across canada in the van?' we were a little confused but we couldn't deny it, so then he jumps up and comes around the desk. at first i thought he was going to give us a hug but instead he introduces us to the other people waiting in the lobby and tells us to tell them the story of when we broke down. it was strange.

turns out he's room mates with a guy whose mom is friends with one of the sisters who had us stay in the past week, and the story just got passed along. we felt like celebrities.

this weekend continues to get better, with stratford tomorrow, cirque du soleil sunday, and shopping downtown toronto monday.

you cocked your head to shoot me down

we made it to saskatchewan! it feels like the trip has finally begun, even though i have been on the road for over a month already. we're in prince albert, staying with dear friends, the norgaards. it's giving us a chance to eat real, homecooked food, wash some of our clothes, and do a couple minor repairs on ava.

i have to say, though, so far we haven't had to go very long without those things. i hope this wonderful treatment continues. we don't really know very many people from here on out. last night we met some people from the russian group in toronto and they kindly offered us a place to stay. hopefully we get to go to a russian meeting while we're there too. the language and culture has fascinated me for years.

Stage Two: Nelson and the Wedding or Love is Alive and Well in the Kootenays:

My awesome little red-headed Britta was getting married. So strange. But great, as it turns out. We spent the week putting together all the little details and hanging out with some fantastic people. Including Ryan, of course, as he was the groom-to-be. And many others, some whose emails I either lost or never got. (Chantelle, Tanys, Amanda, Brad, Mike - if you’re out there, you should get a hold of me). There was much laughter and frivolity along with a little panic and frustration. It all came together in the end. The wedding was gorgeous. Very classy. It seemed like everyone had a blast.

Ryan and Britta generously let me stay at their place when they went on their honeymoon. The plan was to hang out in Nelson until Monica showed up with Ava and Savanna. Unfortunately, her departure kept getting delayed due to circumstances beyond her control. Not that I minded staying in Nelson for as long as it took. I would have been content to live there. I think it’s my favourite place at the moment. (If you’re ever there you must go to Full Circle for breakfast. I could eat there everyday.)

It was nice too because I got to spend time with my parents and Steve, which I hadn’t really done before I left PG. One night John and Karen (Britta’s parents) took me and my mom and dad out in their sailboat for some late night dessert and stargazing. We watched the meteor shower and drank hot chocolate. Does it get better than that? I say, not so much.

the back lane came alive, half moon whispered 'go'

to my small but patient audience:

sorry about the delay. you should all know i'm a procrastinator. i have no other excuse. but i have been working on getting this updated. i'm skipping ahead to an amazing experience we had, but then i will go back and catch you guys up on what's been going on so far.

we spent this past saturday night in the kingdom hall parking lot in high level, alberta. we got in quite late and figured that was the best way to get to the meeting in the morning. which we did. and met every witness in high level, it felt like. it's a congregation of about forty and they are very friendly. the couple that lives in the hall, the dillons, had us over for lunch. (coincidentally, turns out they are related to my red-headed britta). then we packed up and headed out of town on our way to hay river, nwt, at about three.

we got about an hour down the road - that would be a whopping 60km in the van - when the van completely lost power and monica pulled over to the side of the road. we couldn't get her started again. she was turning over but just not starting. we had a full tank of gas. so we pulled out the manuals and started diagnosing the problem. we did some tests, including pulling off the hose to the fuel pump and making sure it was working. that was fun. sprayed gas in monica's face. we were still baffled after an hour. we took a break for dinner and to collect our wits, at which point we prayed for help and enjoyed an egg salad sandwich.

we played with the engine for another hour, then we gave up and tried calling ama. unfortunately we were out of cell range. we were starting to think we could camp there on the side of the road until the people from high level came by on their way to their assembly. that would only be a week. (ack.)

just at that moment a car pulled over and two guys got out to see if they could help. one of them said he'd worked with cars quite a bit so he offered to take a look. we showed them what we had done and he started playing with some of the wires. they mentioned they were on their way home to calgary from toronto by way of hay river. we were laughing about the detour we were both making and we asked what they had been doing in toronto. they said they just took a course there. a little later in the conversation i asked the one guy what kind of course they had taken, and he says, it's called a ministerial training school. i nearly died. mine and monica's eyes bugged out of our heads and we laughed hysterically. none of us could believe it. when i think about it now it's crazy that they even stopped at all because we were just sitting in the van at that point. we didn't even have the hazards on because they don't work. God really takes care of his servants, hey? even lowly little us.

so the rest of the story is that we think the coil is dead and we had the van towed back to high level. we're back camping in the kingdom hall parking lot awaiting the part. it should get here tomorrow morning from edmonton. craziness hey!? turns out these guys, phil and vin, are from the mandarin congregation in calgary. i've probably seen, if not met, them before. we were joking that this was a sign that they were going to be sent to pg to help the mandarin group get started. vin did mention that russel reed had told him that one of the places in canada that needs help with chinese is pg. neat, hey?

anyway, we're doing great. the congregation here is taking excellent care of us. and hopefully we'll be in hay river for the meeting tomorrow night. if the van doesn't get fixed tomorrow we're thinking we might stick around here and see if we can go to the assembly in yellowknife. we'll see how things go.

the look on your face is delicate

you know a friend is a keeper when you leave them and you feel inspired. i just spent a lovely, refreshing, and upbuilding week in calgary. i return home with renewed courage to look for more than just satisfaction in each day. thanks guys.

good times.

and a big fat congratulations to laura and jordan monk, whose wedding last weekend was the reason i was reunited with friends in calgary. you guys are precious.

i can try for your heart

this afternoon, at a quiet, intimate ceremony, melissa margaret freudentheil and caleb joshua johnson wed. only their closest family and friends were there. she looked exquisite. her bridesmaids were perfect - beautiful without detracting from the bride and emotional without wrecking their makeup. everything was wonderful. i cried like a baby.

congratulations brother caleb joshua and sister melissa margaret johnson.

to a strange and distant land

holiday
far away
to stay

on a holiday
far away
let's go today
in a heartbeat