long live the morton

last night i sold the love of my life to a man named ken. i'm as miserable as is to be expected. i will never forget him. he was good to me right up to the last. let us all take a moment of silence to remember the good times with my love, morton gunther adolf schmidt.




i miss you.

the look on your face is delicate

you know a friend is a keeper when you leave them and you feel inspired. i just spent a lovely, refreshing, and upbuilding week in calgary. i return home with renewed courage to look for more than just satisfaction in each day. thanks guys.

good times.

and a big fat congratulations to laura and jordan monk, whose wedding last weekend was the reason i was reunited with friends in calgary. you guys are precious.

since then i've been so good at vanishing

flippant rejection
agitates their fresh simplicity
nudge and wonder
because rain could evaporate
because she is irretreivable
absolve feverish yearning if
you are smitten

some disbelief to suspend

in my lifelong quest to become a better person, i find i am often returning to the same basic goals: less time wasters, more creativity and spirituality. i'm tired of wasting my life. i have been back from mazatlan for nearly a year. i admit i have learned a lot but so far it has only been knowledge. i haven't applied it. i haven't become any wiser from my experiences.

at pioneer school they said to set one goal each month. that's it. i'm working on that. i have a tendency to set all my goals at once and to be upset when i fail to perfect myself overnight. i need to slow down. work on one thing. perhaps then i'll actually get somewhere.

simple goal for january: get back in the habit of reading my Bible every day. preferably in the morning.

sufficient for each day is its own badness

in the past i've tried to live my life without fear of the future. i like to think i have, anyway. and lately i have come to realize that a crippling terror of what i could become has been paralyzing me. i have felt unable to progress in any specific direction because i have begun to fear myself. and, moreso, my potential future self. but it's ridiculous to let myself be hindered by what could happen tomorrow, or the next day. it also may not happen. and even if it did, life would still go on.

when i started pioneering, the idea that i would one day quit never seriously entered my head. i had chosen my career and i knew nothing else would ever bring me as much joy. but, as i have been told countless times and am finally figuring out for myself, life never goes as you plan or expect it to. up until today i had been considering going off the list to deal with myself. even after the past two weeks of pioneer school. the school made me realize what a privilege and responsibility pioneering is, but it also left me wondering if i am capable of handling it at this point in my life. i'm still not sure. but after my pioneer meeting with my elders this evening, i have decided to be sure i am unable to continue before i give up.

so now begins the process of putting my life together, piece by piece. one day at a time. getting myself sorted out. with God's help, of course. one thing i have learned so clearly is the need to stay close to God. and that is the main reason i am choosing to continue to fight. each day i fight is a day that forces me to rely more fully on him.