i know what this metal is for

Indeed, there is nothing more vexing, for example, than to be wealthy, of decent family, of decent appearance, not badly educated, not stupid, even kind-hearted, and at the same time to possess no talent, no special quality, nor even any eccentricity, not a single idea of one's own, to be decidedly 'just like everyone else'. Wealth, perhaps, but not the wealth of a Rothschild; an honourable family, but not one that has ever distinguished itself in any way; a decent appearance, but really not very expressive; a decent education, but no idea about how to put it to use; intelligence, but an absence of one's own ideas; a heart, but a lack of generosity, etcetera, etcetera, in every respect. There is an extremely large number of such people in the world, and even far more than it may seem; they are divided, like all human beings, into two main categories: those who are limited and those who are 'far more intelligent'. The first category is the happier one. For the limited 'ordinary' person there is, for example, nothing easier than to imagine himself to be an unusual and original person, and to take enjoyment in this without hesitation. Some of our young ladies need only have their hair cut short, put on blue spectacles and call themselves nihilists in order to be instantly persuaded that, having donned the spectacles, they have at once begun to possess their own 'convictions'. Some men need only feel a drop of some universally human and good-natured feeling within their hearts in order to be instantly persuaded that no one feels as they do, that they are in the vanguard of public enlightenment. Others need only accept some idea by word of mouth or read a page of something without beginning or end in order instantly to believe that this is 'their own idea' and has been conceived within their own brains. In such cases, the insolence of naivety, if one may be permitted to express it thus, attains an astonishing dimension; it is all of it incredible, but is constantly encountered . . .

One of the dramatis personae of our narrative, Gavrila Ardalionovich Ivolgin, belonged to the second category; he belonged to the category of men who are 'far more intelligent', though completely inflamed, from head to toe, with the desire to be original. As we noted above, however, this category is far more unhappy than the first. The fact of the matter is that the intelligent ordinary man, even though he may imagine himself in passing (and, indeed, throughout the whole of his life) to be a man of genius, and most original, none the less retains within his heart a worm of doubt, which sometimes leads to the intelligent man ending in total despair; for if he submits, it is not until he has been entirely poisoned by a vanity that has been driven inward. However, we have in any case taken an extreme instance: for the overwhelming majority of this intelligent category of men, matters do not proceed at all so tragically; their livers may deteriorate towards the sunset of their lives, perhaps, but that is all. Even so, before surrendering and resigning themselves, these men sometimes continue to play the fool for an extremely long time, all the way from their youth to the age of submission, and all from a desire to be original. Strange instances are even encountered: from a desire for originality an honest man may be prepared to resolve upon a base action; it sometimes even happens that one of these unfortunates is not only honest, but is kind, the Provider of his household, maintaining and nourishing by his toils not only his own family, but others, too, and what do we see? All through his life he can have no rest! For him, the thought that he has performed his duties as a human being so well is not at all a calming or consoling one; even the contrary -- it is this thought that irritates him: 'This,' he says, 'is what I have wasted all my life on, this is what has bound me hand and foot, this is what has prevented me from discovering gunpowder! Had it not been for this, I would certainly have discovered either gunpowder or America -- I don't really know which, but I would certainly have discovered one of them!' Most typical of all for these gentlemen is that throughout their lives they can never ascertain for certain just what it is they need to discover and just what it is that, all their lives, they are on the point of discovering: gunpowder or America? While their sufferings, their longing for discovery, would truly have been enough for Columbus or Galileo.

The Idiot
Fyodor Dostoyevsky

i will write the song that breaks you

there has been much misunderstanding surrounding one of my twenty-five statements. strangely, i've usually found that when i'm purely honest i am not the only one who feels a certain way. i usually rely on this when revealing personal information. if it's something i can't imagine anyone else agreeing or sympathising with i generally keep it to myself. so i've been rather surprised that a recent realization i came to is unique to me. at least, as far as i've heard. but maybe if i explain it won't seem so strange.

i'd rather be interesting than happy. i think the misunderstanding lies in the idea that i want to appear interesting to others. that's not what i mean at all. i agree that would be shallow and unfulfilling. i want to be interesting to myself.

i think it's why i often satbotage myself. i believe that i would be happier if i followed a balanced routine with an early bedtime and nightly flossing of my teeth. but i also believe this would bore me. so i find myself unable to stick to any such schedule for extended periods of time. i intentionally stay up too late reading or working on a project because i think it's more interesting, even though i also know i'll regret it later.

i know other people do this as well. they probably just think of it in different terms. or perhaps others have different motivations for this kind of behaviour.

the schedule thing is only a minor example. most of the time i'm sure the reason i can't maintain the routine i think i should is simply because it is unreasonable or unrealistic so i get tired and just don't want to maintain it anymore. human, or so i'm told.

but this thinking applies in most decisions in my life. i would likely be happier if i lived closer to my family or accepted my limitations and lived within them or learned to be content. but my mind instantly rejects any such thought. i do not choose the path i think will make me happy; i choose the path i think will teach me more and prove more interesting. and, for whatever reason, the two don't coincide as often as you would think they would.

that's not to say that i'm desperately unhappy either! just that the pursuit of happiness isn't a priority in my life. am i alone in this?

i must have slipped between his teeth

twenty-five things about me

1. i am an introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging, rational mastermind. that means i am anal, ruled by logic, and fiercely independent.

2. sometimes my mom calls me sweetcheeks. i know she calls other people this too but it makes me feel very special when she says it to me.

3. i love my family immensely. they are my favourite people in the world. i love that we are all uniquely dysfunctional people on our own but that we can come together and laugh about it.

4. i have more than my fair share of amazing friends in my life. not sure how that has happened but i am constantly blown away by it.

5. i would rather be interesting than happy.

6. i am a compulsive knitter and reader. i wish i had other hobbies that i consider more cool or productive, such as painting or sewing, but to some extent i think hobbies pick you and not the other way around.

7. i want to see, do, try, and experience everything. most of the time this feeling is so overwhelming i am paralyzed by indecision and instead do nothing.

8. my dream trip is russia.

9. i consider myself a writer even though i haven't written anything seriously since high school.

10. i believe all men are either liars and scum or pansy momma's boys. sorry dad, you fall under momma's boy. but that's one of the things i love about you.

11. i still believe in love.

12. i have always felt that redheads are a superior people living among us. i only wish i was one and i hope they accept my imitation as a form of honouring them.

13. i am so cheap i save and reuse tea bags.

14. generally i prefer to eat brown rice, vegetables, and homemade soup but once i bought a warehouse pack of chocolate pop tarts and lived off it for a week. and another time, after a mild emotional breakdown, i ate an entire two litre tub of rolo ice cream in one sitting.

15. i hate getting older because i don't think i'm learning enough in the process. also, i miss my naive idealism.

16. wearing rain boots makes me feel invincible.

17. my one true love was morton gunther adolf schmidt, an '87 vw jetta. i loved him more than i like most people and when he died i cried longer and harder than i have about anything else. i find this funny and sad at the same time.

18. sometimes i feel my most dominant emotion is envy. i'm really working to become someone who rejoices when others rejoice without any thought for myself.

19. i have an unprecedented capacity for sleep. my secret talent involves getting up at the last possible moment and being washed, dressed, and out the door within ten minutes.

20. i need people more than i care to admit. even to myself. i wish i was a better people-person. i don't even really know what that means and that may be the beginning of my problem.

21. the blues is my favourite form of music. it honestly portrays the messiness of life in a way that makes you want to dance.

22. i am most grateful for Jehovah's forgiveness for many reasons, one being that it is teaching me to forgive myself.

23. sometimes i feel that people - even those closest to me - are afraid of me. this is the loneliest feeling i know.

24. i find kilts sexy.

25. i am most at peace when walking at night. i look forward to the time when i can do this without people worrying about me.