in the past i've tried to live my life without fear of the future. i like to think i have, anyway. and lately i have come to realize that a crippling terror of what i could become has been paralyzing me. i have felt unable to progress in any specific direction because i have begun to fear myself. and, moreso, my potential future self. but it's ridiculous to let myself be hindered by what could happen tomorrow, or the next day. it also may not happen. and even if it did, life would still go on.
when i started pioneering, the idea that i would one day quit never seriously entered my head. i had chosen my career and i knew nothing else would ever bring me as much joy. but, as i have been told countless times and am finally figuring out for myself, life never goes as you plan or expect it to. up until today i had been considering going off the list to deal with myself. even after the past two weeks of pioneer school. the school made me realize what a privilege and responsibility pioneering is, but it also left me wondering if i am capable of handling it at this point in my life. i'm still not sure. but after my pioneer meeting with my elders this evening, i have decided to be sure i am unable to continue before i give up.
so now begins the process of putting my life together, piece by piece. one day at a time. getting myself sorted out. with God's help, of course. one thing i have learned so clearly is the need to stay close to God. and that is the main reason i am choosing to continue to fight. each day i fight is a day that forces me to rely more fully on him.
Sunday, January 1
sufficient for each day is its own badness
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5 comments:
your wonderful and you can do anything you want, the bonus is that jehovah will be helping you with this
2 Cor. 12:10
YOU yourself know in your heart that pioneering is what brings you joy, and its never the right choice to give it up.
You are wonderful! and you have experienced first hand what Jehovah does for you if you lean completely on him, and the blessings to come.
What else in life other than pioneering is better and will bring you more satisfaction?
Guess who once told me this.
"And he went on to say to me: "Do not be afraid, O [Erin] for from the first day that you gave your heart to understanding and humbling yourself before your God your words have been heard..." (a minorly adjusted Daniel 12:10) Oh sweet, we are just the tragic earthernware that Jehovah fills up to do the Lord's work. Yet, to Jehovah, you are a shiny glorious vase, and he loves all your distressed murmurings to him, because as you rightly see, he's got you in his grasp, so long as you've got your Bible sturdy beneath you. My prayers for you.
here's our stronghold (Nehemiah 8:10)
(and.. so glad you like Paddington,too!)
Dear Erin, while reading your very honest and heartfelt comments I was suddenly struck with the thought that maybe there is more to what you are saying than what you are putting into words. I have found that when I have thoughts that are particularly disturbing I've come to the point where I need to summon up the courage and trust to confide in someone who will listen and provide truly helpful insight. Of course we must talk to Jehovah as well because he completely understands our feelings, even better than we do. But perhaps you should also open up to a trusted friend. I have found that sharing a burden can really make it easier to carry and deal with. This is just a suggestion from someone who really cares about you and I hope you at least give it consideration.
You are an excellent pioneer...and always will be. Your genuineness is especially endearing, and this along with your close relationship with Jehovah will carry you over this rough spot.
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