i just don't feel much like a scarecrow today

if he was going to have delusions at least he was going to have a clear brain to look at them with.

william faulkner

intruder in the dust

there's a lot of me inside you

monica pointed out to me at some point long ago that i like to collect canned food. i don't know where this started or why i feel the compulsion to buy my food in this form but it's true. i watch myself fill my cupboards with peaches and soups and beans and am unable to stop. i generally prefer to eat fresh food so i think i must be storing up for armageddon. my emergency kit, perhaps? i've decided to ban myself from the canned food aisle until i've used up what i have. anyone have recipes for corn, mixed bean salad, tuna, and pineapple?

here i come to dance around the sun

i've become re-obsessed with the myers-briggs personality tests. it's always in the back of my mind, especially as i meet new people. i'm constantly categorizing n's and s's, t's and f's. beth brought home a book about it the other day because she said she needed to understand me. monica she gets, but apparently i'm difficult to comprehend. who knew? i suppose that's all part of being a rational (an nt). we think everyone else thinks like us but very few do. i wish i could relate to how other's minds work.

i live with an infp (monica) and an enfp (beth). i suppose that's why beth gets monica - they're practically the same. i find i surround myself with idealists. they are fun and creative people. perhaps a little flighty at times.

i'm an intj, if you're interested. (if you're not, you're quite likely an s). that means, among other things, that i am fiercely independent and critical. i am also a perfectionist. so all my rambling discontent - ya, that fits right in. i suppose i'll always be this way. it's just who i am.

guess who else in an intj. arnold schwarzenegger. i'm in good company.

you smile and say the world doesn't fit with you

in my current physics book (thanks to ryan and jordan for starting me on this. my head hurts but i can't stop.) i read today that 'nature always prefers to be in the lowest energy state.' i can't wait to use it on the next person who accuses me of being lazy.

'there is nothing abnormal about sleeping fourteen hours a day. nature always prefers to be in the lowest energy state.'

i think that will go over very well.

born in the blue market

"invention... does not consist of creating out of void, but out of chaos."

mary wallstonecraft shelley

each time you turn a corner you're right back where you were

today at work weldon said 'happiness is finding what you're looking for.' i thought that was rather profound. he was talking about a lost cheque but it got me wondering what i'm looking for.

beth and monica both disagree with that, which bothers me. beth says happiness is enjoying the journey to what you're looking for. monica says it's being happy where you are. keep in mind they are both idealists. i'm not entirely sure how that relates but it must. they live in the present and i live in the future? i'm never content where i am. and i know it's not a physical location (of course, there is a difference between knowing and living), it should be a state of mind, i suppose.

re-reading that paragraph, i don't think i'm making myself very clear.

i just finished 'feynman's rainbow' which is the autobiographical story of two physicists in the 70s. the writer was young and unsure which direction to take and he was inspired by an older, terminally ill professor. the gist of the story was that we should chase our own rainbow. if we chase someone else's rainbow we have the struggle without being able to appreciate the beauty of what we're pursuing. for example, the author was caught up in the rat race just like everyone else - chasing money and prestige, because these were the things he thought he was supposed to be after. but his conversations with feynman taught him to find what makes him happy and pursue that.

i've always wanted, and tried, to live this way. i've been very determined not to be distracted by what other people think i should be doing. but instead i've become distracted by what i think i should be doing. but i don't think it is necessarily what i should be doing.

o good gracious. what annoying navel gazing. ignore me. i think i'm just upset because i'm 0 for 9 at tim's roll up the rim.

i should end this since my room mates are mocking me. i think they are genuinely emabarassed that i am 'blogging' in their presence. they're telling me that it should not be done in public. in fact, they would rather that i not say the word blog ever. it's amusing when people are ashamed of you.

whatever. monica is listening to 'my humps.' she has not earned the right to be ashamed of me.

ch-ch-ch-ch-chia