i will write the song that breaks you

there has been much misunderstanding surrounding one of my twenty-five statements. strangely, i've usually found that when i'm purely honest i am not the only one who feels a certain way. i usually rely on this when revealing personal information. if it's something i can't imagine anyone else agreeing or sympathising with i generally keep it to myself. so i've been rather surprised that a recent realization i came to is unique to me. at least, as far as i've heard. but maybe if i explain it won't seem so strange.

i'd rather be interesting than happy. i think the misunderstanding lies in the idea that i want to appear interesting to others. that's not what i mean at all. i agree that would be shallow and unfulfilling. i want to be interesting to myself.

i think it's why i often satbotage myself. i believe that i would be happier if i followed a balanced routine with an early bedtime and nightly flossing of my teeth. but i also believe this would bore me. so i find myself unable to stick to any such schedule for extended periods of time. i intentionally stay up too late reading or working on a project because i think it's more interesting, even though i also know i'll regret it later.

i know other people do this as well. they probably just think of it in different terms. or perhaps others have different motivations for this kind of behaviour.

the schedule thing is only a minor example. most of the time i'm sure the reason i can't maintain the routine i think i should is simply because it is unreasonable or unrealistic so i get tired and just don't want to maintain it anymore. human, or so i'm told.

but this thinking applies in most decisions in my life. i would likely be happier if i lived closer to my family or accepted my limitations and lived within them or learned to be content. but my mind instantly rejects any such thought. i do not choose the path i think will make me happy; i choose the path i think will teach me more and prove more interesting. and, for whatever reason, the two don't coincide as often as you would think they would.

that's not to say that i'm desperately unhappy either! just that the pursuit of happiness isn't a priority in my life. am i alone in this?