heartbeat
heartbeat

don't bother to pack your bags or your map,
we won't need them where we're going

we're going where the wind is blowing,
not knowing where we're going to stay

heartbeat
heartbeat

we will write a postcard
to our friends and family
in free verse

on the road with kerouac,
sheltered in his bivouac

on this road we'll never die

something worth writing home about

it's my assembly this weekend, and it has been pretty much fabulous. the pioneer meeting was yesterday, and it was beyond great. it was exactly what i needed. the theme was 'trust in jehovah' and i have a lot to learn about that. muy encouraging.

and today was fantastic. from assembling with my recently adjusted circuit to seeing two from my hall baptized, from planning a trip to vegas to a wonderful evening of dinner and knitting with my newest pioneer partner, monica. and then, to top it all off, the most incredible northern lights i have ever seen.

i went out to do my papers.

that's right, my paper route. i have a paper route. and i'm cool. and i was delivering them two days late. cause that's how cool i am. i only delivered them at all because it's the assembly and i would have felt guilty ditching them.

i amaze myself.

anyhoo, i went out to do my papers, and was mesmerized by the lights. i ended up laying down in someone's yard at about 11:30 this evening watching them dance all over the sky to a soundtrack of radiohead and jack johnson. the colors were spectacular - it started as just the usual bright green, then faded to white which whirled around like smoke, then began rippling green, white, blue, and hot pink. it moved quickly down the sky in circles, spreading from a single point to the horizon. i completely understand why people would have thought the gods were appearing to them in the sky. it was intense.

confined and confused

truly insane people don't sit around wondering whether or not they're crazy.

they have better things to do.

a cassette tape of stalker songs

due to popular demand, here i am posting. i haven't felt inclined to lately, because i'm not sure what direction i should take this thing. originally it was used to record and report my mexican adventures for my fans back home. now, however, i am back in canada, and have few adventures that need reporting. so, as i have been asking myself about most facets of my life, now what?

and i guess that's about where i am again. stuck in no man's land. undecided, noncommittal, up in the air. where should i live? where should i work? what should i do for work? where do i want to be in five years? how am i going to get there? should i try to get back to mexico? should i focus on somewhere else now? should i learn a new language? which one? or should i just give up, live at home until i can drag some lame guy to the altar, have a bus load of children, and live in pg for the rest of my life? no offense to those who have chosen or will choose to do that...

'how comely are the feet of those who declare good news of good things'

this weather has me wanting love more tangible

so the reunion is officially cancelled. i really could have used it. it breaks my little heart, but i guess i'll live. i'm trying to figure out a way to get to the district convention in mexico in august, but seeing as i'm still mostly unemployed, i can't imagine it will actually happen. we'll see.

it's my convention this weekend. it's gonna be great. i was mad cause it's so early this year. i know that's a stupid reason to be mad, but it just feels wrong. then i got a copy of the program, and now i can't wait. it looks like it's going to be scrumtrulescent. and i've been reading my proclaimers book about all the landmark conventions in the 20s and 30s. what an experience they would have been. to witness rutherford's 'advertise, advertise, advertise' talk, or to stand proudly with the great crowd of other sheep, finally understanding your role in God's organization, or to support the resolution to go by the official name 'Jehovah's Witnesses'...

i wonder if in the future people will look back at our time and think about how thrilling it would have been to be a part of it. i suppose they will. but i wonder what things will stand out to them. maybe the release of books like 'draw close to Jehovah'. that's a good book. or maybe all the prophecies that we're finally clearly understanding... daniel, isaiah, hosea, amos... all of'em. they just don't seem as, um... enthusiastic in our day. i'm gonna work on that for the next convention. for any new announcements, releases, or resolutions, i'm going to leap to my feet and cheer, instead of just applauding politely.

trust in Jehovah and do good

so, i quit my job. i'm getting good at that.

it was too many hours. they wanted me to be full time, and i couldn't handle it, so i left. i had been thinking about it for a while, but i wasn't sure if i was just being lazy, or if it really was too much. the schedule i made on paper looked like it could work, but not in reality. i had a hard time deciding if the job was a blessing or a temptation. but then i talked to my family about it, and steve asked me if the job was affecting my joy in service, and it definitely was. i hadn't been able to get over ten hours a week or catch up to most of my rv's since i started there, which was not making me happy. i had considered staying until i found something else, but if i had i would have had no chance of getting my time this month. so i quit.

i kept thinking about how when i first arrived in mazatlan i had no idea what i was doing. i knew no one, i had nowhere to live, i had never lived on my own, nothing. but Jehovah provided for me. everything worked out wonderfully. i felt like i had leapt off a cliff, and he had caught me. (anyone seen rescuers down under? the little boy and the eagle.... like that). so i decided i needed to do that again. i said a prayer, and told my boss. he made me feel kinda naive and stupid, cause he didn't understand why i couldn't make it work, or how i thought i was going to support myself. but i realized it doesn't matter what he thinks. plus (this happened last thursday) when i studied for the ministry school, the instruction talk dealt with 'does Jehovah notice what we do?' and it discussed the widow of zarapheth. it was exactly what i needed to hear.

'let you manner of life be free of the love of money, while you are content with the present things. for he has said: "i will by no means leave you nor by any means forsake you." so that we may be of good courage and say: "Jehovah is my helper; i will not be afraid. what can man do to me?" ' - hebrews 13:5, 6.

so i'm broke and unemployed again. but i have plenty of time to catch up in service, and i have an interview at a bank tomorrow. i just hope i can still make it to calgary for my mexican reunion. my car runs on holy spirit anyway. plus, did anybody notice that will ferrel commented on my blog? that pretty much completes me. i can die happy.

i've killed myself with changes trying to make things better

will ferrel hosted snl this past weekend. how great is that? i'll tell you. that's pretty darn great. so we had a will ferrel fest, complete with the best of dvd, anchorman, slushies, ice cream, and hummus. and a game of shot glass chess. classy. don't worry, we only used coolers. as if that game isn't hard enough when you're not drinking.

do not call anyone your father on earth, for one is your father, the heavenly one

hi! this is erin calling from the prince george free press! i was hoping to speak to the person in charge of your advertising!

egads. i hate sales. i hate the phone. and i really hate selling things over the phone. other than that, work is fabulous.

i'm not working at the embroidery place anymore. they didn't want me to have two jobs. they need someone who can be more flexible than that. that's fine. it was a stupid job anyway. so now i am pretty much exclusively at free press, other than a little cleaning on the weekend. and it's going alright. the people i work with are wonderful. they are friendly and forgiving and willing to help me. par ejamplo, today i was miserable because i had decided that i couldn't do this job and that i am a terrible salesperson and that i want to quit. and then dave (my boss) gave me a new project to work on and said i did very well on the last one considering i was completely new at it. so then i felt better.

and guess what my new project is... come on, guess... you're wrong. it's a worship services directory. serious. tomorrow i have to go to all the churches and get them to advertise with us. that's gonna be weird.

here's a blip of conversation from my office this afternoon regarding that:

dave: tomorrow you can phone all the churches and set up times to visit them.
judy: they're going to tell you to come back sunday morning.
dave: you'll have to tell them you're someone they wouldn't want to come back on sundays... like heidi, or someone who's sold their soul to the devil.
heidi: or a jw. hee hee.

mwahahahahahahaha. little do they know...

well, they do know, now.

i want a house on the beach and you in my dreams

the last present i bought in mexico was a gorgeous summer dress for my niece. i used the last of my money because i just had to have it for her. and it's barely big enough to fit her as a shirt. i left a baby and came back to a little girl. people aren't kidding when they say kids grow up fast. and i guess it seems a lot faster when you don't see them for six months. she's as gorgeous as ever, and still a good kid. she's talking lots. and she still loves uncle steve. she comes alive when he gets home. and she still eats all my food. i was eating a cracker with peanut butter and banana, and she smoothly slid off her chair and inched over to me. she picked up a banana slice and gave it to me, watching my reaction. she then proceeded to eat every piece of banana off my cracker, and the one in my hand. then she asked me to pick up the cracker. "why?" i asked.

"so i can eat it."

at least she's learned one thing from me.

so i got a third job. i just don't know how to say no. this one is for a local newspaper, so i'm actually kind of excited about it. i'm nervous because it's advertising sales, and i have never done that. but they are willing to take a chance on me. they think i have the right personality for it, since i'm so nice and likable. though they did say i was too quiet, and i should work on being firmer. if it doesn't work out, they keep mentioning that it at least gets my foot in the door in case anything opens up in ad design. which would be amazing. anyway, it's casual part-time. i'm not entirely sure what is involved, and it sounds like the hours are going to be kinda unpredictable. should be fun.

i sleep so little, watch the stars fade into day

i have now received six calls regarding resumes i dropped off. i have another interview tomorrow. and i started a cleaning job this past weekend. looks like my prayers for work are being answered.

"test me out, please in this respect," Jehovah of armies has said, "whether i shall not open to you people the floodgates of the heavens and actually empty out upon you a blessing until there is no more want." -- malachi 3:10

how very true.

happy to me

21

you look wonderful tonight

happy twentieth anniversary mom and dad

dibs blog title

so i gave in like the follower that i am and changed my template. after britta changed hers i couldn't stop obsessing that mine was now too bright and flashy. then jordan changed his, and i decided that since i wasn't the only one copying, i should be allowed to join the fun. i then considered "friend templates" (meaning using the exact same template as britta and then reminding her that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery) but decided that was over the line.

after a month of severe depression and deep despair i have found a job. it's not much, but it's mine and it restores at least a shred of my dignity, my self-worth. actually, i dropped off about ten resumes around town on friday, and i've already heard back from three, and took one job this morning. so that's confidence boosting. anyway, it's at an embroidery shop downtown. time will tell whether or not it is remotely interesting. it's sorta, kinda, vaguely related to what i went to school for. basically that means that there's a computer involved, and there's potential for creative expression. the hours are great; tuesday, thursday, and saturday from 10 until 5. i didn't ask, but i believe it's just minimum wage. i also had an interview at a call center (not sales, market research) but it would be monday, wednesday, friday from 2 until 9, and either saturday or sunday from 9 until 5. and i'm not a huge fan of those hours. it's surveys, so i think it would be interesting to do one shift of it, but that's all. i'm pretty happy with my embroidery job. for the most part it's going to be just me and gale (not gail, or gayle, like the woman's name, but gale, like a strong, stormy wind) and ernie, her black pomeranian. and don't judge ernie just cause he's black and a pomeranian. he's a good guy. the strong silent type, which is just the way i like him.