gonna let everybody see just what you are

today i am 24. i do not enjoy getting older. i fight it with all my being but time doesn't even seem to notice my efforts. i've been anticipating this day for months now. i thought it would make it easier on me if i made a list of things i wanted to accomplish before i turned twenty-four. unfortunately, i suppose it only helps if you do the things on the list.

but instead of dwelling on how much i don't want to be older, how i don't feel older, definitely not wiser or more mature, let alone successful or accomplished, i'm going to attempt a positive perspective. what did i do while i was 23?

the obvious: i traveled across the country in a vw van. i made friends in every province and territory except newfoundland and nunavut, climbed buttes in saskatchewan, ate bagels in montreal, watched cirque du soleil in toronto, went to the stratford festival, camped by the great lakes, reached the atlantic ocean. definitely the highlights of the past year.

what else? i auxilliaried as often as i believe i was capable. i persisted in finding work that will enable me to pioneer again (hopefully soon!). i settled into the middle of a new congregation instead of disappearing in the edges. i started learning guitar (again) and actually made some progress. i stayed in close contact with my parents even after moving so far away.

i have many regrets. those are much easier to list. but i won't. at least, not here. i'll put them somewhere else - on a page entitled 'things to change and accomplish while 24.' check back in a year to see how that works out for me.

i saw a spaceship fly by your window

not too long ago, i wrote about a dream i had involving myself and my fictional wedding. it has come to my attention that all i have to do is whisper the words 'marriage' or 'wedding' and some of you people start to giggle like little school girls. (you know who you are.) i'm not here to defend myself. i feel that my celibacy is such an established fact at this point that it is beyond needing justification.

i have a wild and wonderful life in my dreams. some nights i'm getting married; others i'm an international jewel thief being chased by tin soldiers. last week i had a dream that i was wearing a rubber unitard painted like a fish and rollerskating down endless hills; later, that i was visiting with an old friend in a grocery store when a random boy came up and kissed me then ran away. (yes, i said 'kiss' and 'boy.' no giggling.) once i drove from pg to paris on a motorbike in a single night. when i am stressed, i am usually trying to save small children from certain death. last night i was cooking in an unknown kitchen when it was brought to my attention that i was not wearing any pants.

i consider all these dreams to be equally preposterous and unlikely to happen in reality. so me dreaming about my wedding is not a sign of anything. you can stop with the giggling.

i just don't feel much like a scarecrow today

if he was going to have delusions at least he was going to have a clear brain to look at them with.

william faulkner

intruder in the dust

there's a lot of me inside you

monica pointed out to me at some point long ago that i like to collect canned food. i don't know where this started or why i feel the compulsion to buy my food in this form but it's true. i watch myself fill my cupboards with peaches and soups and beans and am unable to stop. i generally prefer to eat fresh food so i think i must be storing up for armageddon. my emergency kit, perhaps? i've decided to ban myself from the canned food aisle until i've used up what i have. anyone have recipes for corn, mixed bean salad, tuna, and pineapple?

here i come to dance around the sun

i've become re-obsessed with the myers-briggs personality tests. it's always in the back of my mind, especially as i meet new people. i'm constantly categorizing n's and s's, t's and f's. beth brought home a book about it the other day because she said she needed to understand me. monica she gets, but apparently i'm difficult to comprehend. who knew? i suppose that's all part of being a rational (an nt). we think everyone else thinks like us but very few do. i wish i could relate to how other's minds work.

i live with an infp (monica) and an enfp (beth). i suppose that's why beth gets monica - they're practically the same. i find i surround myself with idealists. they are fun and creative people. perhaps a little flighty at times.

i'm an intj, if you're interested. (if you're not, you're quite likely an s). that means, among other things, that i am fiercely independent and critical. i am also a perfectionist. so all my rambling discontent - ya, that fits right in. i suppose i'll always be this way. it's just who i am.

guess who else in an intj. arnold schwarzenegger. i'm in good company.

you smile and say the world doesn't fit with you

in my current physics book (thanks to ryan and jordan for starting me on this. my head hurts but i can't stop.) i read today that 'nature always prefers to be in the lowest energy state.' i can't wait to use it on the next person who accuses me of being lazy.

'there is nothing abnormal about sleeping fourteen hours a day. nature always prefers to be in the lowest energy state.'

i think that will go over very well.

born in the blue market

"invention... does not consist of creating out of void, but out of chaos."

mary wallstonecraft shelley

each time you turn a corner you're right back where you were

today at work weldon said 'happiness is finding what you're looking for.' i thought that was rather profound. he was talking about a lost cheque but it got me wondering what i'm looking for.

beth and monica both disagree with that, which bothers me. beth says happiness is enjoying the journey to what you're looking for. monica says it's being happy where you are. keep in mind they are both idealists. i'm not entirely sure how that relates but it must. they live in the present and i live in the future? i'm never content where i am. and i know it's not a physical location (of course, there is a difference between knowing and living), it should be a state of mind, i suppose.

re-reading that paragraph, i don't think i'm making myself very clear.

i just finished 'feynman's rainbow' which is the autobiographical story of two physicists in the 70s. the writer was young and unsure which direction to take and he was inspired by an older, terminally ill professor. the gist of the story was that we should chase our own rainbow. if we chase someone else's rainbow we have the struggle without being able to appreciate the beauty of what we're pursuing. for example, the author was caught up in the rat race just like everyone else - chasing money and prestige, because these were the things he thought he was supposed to be after. but his conversations with feynman taught him to find what makes him happy and pursue that.

i've always wanted, and tried, to live this way. i've been very determined not to be distracted by what other people think i should be doing. but instead i've become distracted by what i think i should be doing. but i don't think it is necessarily what i should be doing.

o good gracious. what annoying navel gazing. ignore me. i think i'm just upset because i'm 0 for 9 at tim's roll up the rim.

i should end this since my room mates are mocking me. i think they are genuinely emabarassed that i am 'blogging' in their presence. they're telling me that it should not be done in public. in fact, they would rather that i not say the word blog ever. it's amusing when people are ashamed of you.

whatever. monica is listening to 'my humps.' she has not earned the right to be ashamed of me.

ch-ch-ch-ch-chia

why would i hitch a ride when i can drive?

tonight i took myself on a date. after work i went to an adorable coffee shop called the paper chase for a dinner consisting of a curried vegetable burger with couscous salad. i have no problems with eating by myself in a restaurant. actually, i do it far more often than i probably should since i am lazy and don't particularly enjoy cooking. however, after dinner i also took myself to a movie.

the oxford had a one night showing of raiders of the lost ark at 7:00. i love that movie, as i love indiana jones (i suppose i could say i had a date with young harrison). i even love the historical and biblical references, even though they are so often incorrect. as it is a thursday evening and most people i know had their meeting, i went alone.

it was surprisingly strange.

i'm used to doing things alone and it rarely concerns me. why is it that going to a movie, where you sit in a dark theatre, facing forward, not interacting with any of the people you go with, feels like it is supposed to be a social activity? i felt conspicuous all evening.

and it didn't help that i also won the door prize. i think they picked my ticket on purpose to draw more attention to me.

'look eveyone! this girl came to the movies alone! let's all point and laugh!'

i don't really think that. i know the majority people are too self absorbed to bother noticing who else is even in the same room as them. including myself, since i obviously spent the night fretting about being there sin amigos. it was just such an odd experience. i felt i needed to share it.

i could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will

monica has returned from a land far far away bearing wonderful gifts. we spent the afternoon drinking tequila, eating pop tarts, and catching up.

just for the record, tequila and pop tarts do not go well together.

once again that rising sun is dropping on down

before he could leap and spring and smother and blot it from thinking not because you dont dare think whole even to yourself the entirety of a dear hope or wish let alone a desperate one else you yourself have doomed it but because thinking it into words even only to himself was like the struck match which doesn't dispel the dark but only exposes its terror - one weak flash and glare revealing for a second the empty road's the dark and empty land's irrevocable immitigable negation.

william faulkner
intruder in the dust

it's so easy to leave me

last night i dreamed that i was getting married. i was surprisingly calm about the whole thing, especially considering it was after 10pm the day of the wedding and i had absolutely no plans. my mom and my girls were getting me ready and i kept remembering things i should have done, like find a dress or ask people to come, and they would tell me they had taken care of it. then i would wander off and get distracted watching tv or doing something else completely unrelated. finally i decided i should see the guy i was going to marry, since, somehow, this hadn't happened before. it was only after i met him and saw that he had a mullet that i started to worry. thankfully i woke up.

i'm guessing this was prompted by the news that cody cloarec is engaged to his sweet little marissa. i very much want to be at the wedding but unless a miracle occurs i highly doubt it will happen. it'd be fantastic though.

you may notice i've made some changes. i've also finally added the pictures from my trip... it only took me how many months? four? that's progress. at least i actually did it. the links should be down on the right somewhere. enjoy.

i went to cats this past friday. it was a spontaneous whim - read about it thursday and bought myself a ticket for the next night. it was splendid. and strange. so very, very odd. i knew going in that it was all about cats and that the lyrics were taken from poetry by t.s. eliot, but there is a difference between knowing and experiencing. i spent the entire first act baffled but gave up on trying to make sense of it for the second. that made it much more enjoyable.

now my mind is free to walk the streets we used to walk so quietly

time flies.

as you all may have guessed or heard, i made it to halifax! i'm here! i have a place to live and a job and a new room mate. i kept monica, of course. don't worry, we're still friends. but we had a third girl move in to be able to afford this place we found. plus she's nice and cute and needed a place to live.

i have been working on the pictures thing. in fact, i designed a nice page for them, prepped them, uploaded them... they should be ready for your viewing pleasure. but for some reason they hate me and won't work. i can't figure it out. and i'm too stubborn and angry to give up and post them some other way. so those of you that are still patiently checking this page and waiting for something interesting will have to wait longer. but i thank you for your interest. it is appreciated. and hopefully, someday, it will be rewarded.

my mom's coming to visit me! i'm a little excited about that. i've been telling everyone. all the ladies i work with are giving me tips as to what we can do while she's here. she'll be here on sunday. i'll play tourist with her and get some pictures of the city to add to the list of pictures i'm going to post here one day. in the possibly distant future.

so apartment... it is technically called a flat here (makes me feel a little european). not all apartments are, just those that are parts of a house. we have the top floor of a cute blue and yellow house with a nice view of the ocean and the bridge to dartmouth. it's big and open with lots of windows. i'm actually a little surprised by how great of a place we found. hardwood throughout, laundry in the building, only two other suites, landlord is very nice, and we can have the dog. we're slowly accumulating crappy old furniture. it's fun starting over. i do miss having nice things tho. i'll just have to find new ones.

and job... one thing you notice immediately here is that wages are drastically lower and the cost of living is actually higher. i wasn't worried about the wages at first because you assume the costs would be lower as well, but because there are two universities here and it's expensive to have things shipped here, it's quite the opposite. graphic design does not pay particularly well - but i am still looking. in the meantime, i have a job at a cheque processing office and i rather like it. i work with a bunch of middle aged women who are a hoot. you heard me, a hoot. i'm being trained by henry and marty. those are both women. good times. the work itself is even kind of interesting, at least for now.

i'm at the library and the computer is telling me time is up, so i'm off. sorry this took me so long. i really wanted to have the pictures done. but i'll fight with it some more.

you can't build fences around life

it has been too long! so much has happened. i will try to recap efficiently...

montreal is my newest love. i am completely smitten. i would have stayed but i do still really want to see halifax. but if i don't love halifax i will go back. it was too wonderful to stay away. i don't even know if i can explain why i love it so. it's beautiful and interesting and exciting. you can bring your own wine to restaurants, buy fresh cheese at an open air market after sampling the local beers, listen to a U2 cover band at an irish pub... i can't even remember everything we did. but i think of the city and i glow with happiness.

a big part of that would be thanks to gerald and heidi, our wonderful hosts and tour guides. i can't thank them enough. we would have been completely lost without them.

trois rivieres was a unique experience. we visited mike kiloso and met the family he lives with. they are all from the congo, so they spoke swahili with each other, french with monica, and little bits of english with me. then they fed us traditional african food. that was an experience all its own. i'm glad to have done it, but i don't know that i would do it again.

quebec city was beautiful. we spent the day wandering in old quebec and enjoying every view. ooo and i bought some amazing boots that i am in love with. they were regular $210... i got them for $40! a woo hoo. they don't have a name yet, but they may soon. they're that cute.

now we are on the east coast. in gaspe, specifically. the gaspe peninsula is the most breathtakingly beautiful place i have seen since bc. the weather has been miserable again but it's probably for the best since ava would overheat on the hills if it was the least bit warm.

that will have to do for now since my computer is going to die on me at any moment. pictures to come... eventually!

this is the sound of the days burning the light of our nights

today we made it to ottawa. strangely enough, monica thoroughly enjoyed it and i was not overly impressed. that's not completely true. i enjoyed it, but i wouldn't want to live here, while monica would. we felt the same but opposite about winnipeg and ottawa.

did that make any sense?

yesterday we would have made it to ottawa but i put ava in the ditch. i was backing up and took the corner too wide. i'm not even entirely sure how it happened, i just know how ill i felt when i realized it had. we walked to the gas station down the street and, thankfully, the caa tow truck was right there. there was no damage to the van and we only lost about an hour. and i think monica has forgiven me.

i hope.

sat and stared at the parliament buildings today. they're big and old. we didn't go in. i figured inside would be about as interesting as outside. but we did go to the national art gallery and that was nice. saw some van gogh's, monet's, degas', and such. one mondrian i was pretty thrilled with and the greiner pictured here. it was the one painting that made me stop and smile.

we also went to the museum of civilization. i think i'm a little museum'ed out. i'm excited to wander the streets of old montreal and eat fattening food... world famous poutine and smoked meat here i come.

nobody owns anything and everyone is free

so, um, wow. we went to cirque du soleil today, and it was ubertastic. scrumtrulescent. i sat and gaped in open-mouthed amazement, occasionally realizing that i was shrieking with delight. there were contortionists, acrobats, trapezists, jugglers, unicyclers... i can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was. here's a link to the cirque du soleil site, and select kooza under shows: http://www.cirquedusoleil.com. it might give you an idea of its fantastic-ness.

yesterday we went to the stratford festival and saw an ideal husband by oscar wilde. it was great fun. i was surprised by how many famous quotes i recognized. it made me want to see the importance of being earnest.

later we went to some brother's house to watch a movie, and instead of watching clever and witty comedy, we watched transformers. mind-numbing transformers. but it was fun. we got to hang out with some very cool people, including a guy who knew gio and michelle in oliver many years ago.

oo and today after the circus we went to 'the clothing show'. it was an exhibition of vintage and original clothes and accessories. i could have spent bazoodles of dollars, but i didn't have that. i bought a hat instead. and walked away filled with inspiration for things i probably will never make. much cheaper than this coat that i will dream of for the next year.

turn my face to the wall

so this weekend is pretty much amazing. we've spent the past couple days working our way south through ontario. ava is aligned and driving very well. yesterday we went to erin, which was even more exciting than i hoped. it's a gorgeous little town with four leaf clovers plastered all over. their slogan is 'experience the charm.' so accurate.

today we went to bethel, which was wonderful, of course. we got our directions online but they were misleading so we were late. we managed to keep it together, but of course we were both freaking out inside. after we'd gone in circles for a few minutes and confirmed that we were horribly lost, i phoned bethel and told the guy in reception what was going on. of course, as soon as i explained where we were, monica spotted the watchtower sign. so we made it. we missed the first prayer but we got the food. which was fettuccine alfredo with lots of vegetables on the side and coconut sherbet for dessert.

we saw karen markus, and jean funk, but that was about it. the whole place felt kind of empty during the tour. we had sixteen people in our group, with people from ottawa, winnipeg, hamilton, kentucky... and somewhere else i can't remember. the picture is of two adorable boys on our tour from the place i can't remember with our tour guide, who claimed to be mario lemieux's nephew.

when we first checked in for the tour the brother at the desk asked where we were from, so we told him bc. he got all excited and says, 'are you the girls driving across canada in the van?' we were a little confused but we couldn't deny it, so then he jumps up and comes around the desk. at first i thought he was going to give us a hug but instead he introduces us to the other people waiting in the lobby and tells us to tell them the story of when we broke down. it was strange.

turns out he's room mates with a guy whose mom is friends with one of the sisters who had us stay in the past week, and the story just got passed along. we felt like celebrities.

this weekend continues to get better, with stratford tomorrow, cirque du soleil sunday, and shopping downtown toronto monday.

it's only lies that i'm living

this morning i am in sault sainte marie. we were here for the weekend, catching the circuit assembly again. the reeds are serving here now so we couldn't pass up the opportunity to see them. br reed's talks are as good as ever and we even got to talk with them for a few minutes, which was wonderful.

it's strange to go to an assembly where you don't really know a single person. saturday people were a little wary of the random girls sleeping in the parking lot but on sunday it seemed like everyone knew who we were - the vw girls on their way east. one sister invited us over for dinner and showers. i have never appreciated showering as much as i do these days. turns out her and her husband went to the international convention in mexico city with phil peters in 2003. it was very strange to see pictures of phil in their album.

we're off to blind river, where another couple kindly offered to do the alignment on the van. it's wonderful how willing people are to help out in any way they can. then tonight we should get almost to sudbury, tomorrow to warren, then down to guelph by thursday, with lunch at bethel on friday!! i'm so excited for that.

the other night we were looking at the map, figuring out where we have left to go, and something clicked over in my mind. we're over halfway. we're in the last half of the trip. it's going to end soon. and as excited as i am to be discover halifax, i am very sad that this is going to be over. we probably have three weeks left, which is lots of time, but it feels different now. we don't get to be on the road forever. the end is in sight. i don't like that feeling.

though as it gets colder i probably won't mind so much.

one day i'll be sand on a beach by the sea

winnipeg was beautiful. i really enjoyed it. but apparently i'm enjoying everything. so for those of you who think i'm too happy on this trip, here are a couple of complaints:

the wind: ava is a lightweight and the wind can be very pushy. it makes driving very stressful when the wind is strong, as it was for most of the prairies. when we're driving into it, we can't get over 80km. if it's behind us, that's the best because then we might hit 105. but if it's to either side, that's the absolute worst. i have to crank the wheel right into it to stay straight on the road. which gets scary as the wind shifts, or semis pass, and we're veering all over the place.

my bed: i can't even really complain about this. i genuinely enjoy my loft. it's not the most comfortable, but it makes for a good story. i have a military-style cot that folds out in the pop-top area. the first night i slept in it i thought i was going to fall through but since then i have duct taped it extensively and now it's sturdy, if nothing else. this picture doesn't do it justice. i'll have to get one of the cot before my bed is made. then you'll understand.

i'm sorry. that wasn't much complaining at all. and i can't even think of anything i could complain about if i was so inclined. this is one of my dream trips and virtually everything about it is wonderful. i fall in love with nearly every place we stay and every congregation we visit. i love our ridiculously slow pace - we're just crawling out of our camp spot when most of the rv'ers are pulling in for the night. we go hours out of our way to find lavinia or mcmunn simply because we want a picture with the town sign.

what i most love is when we show up at a meeting, how the brothers and sisters make us feel so welcome and really go out of their way to help us. if we're staying in town we have to stay with someone from the congregation, and we always get fed so well by at least one sister in the hall. for instance, tonight we are in dryden, on. the tiny congregation here has us staying in a cabin at a resort run by witnesses. we got to visit with the ones that live around here in the kitchen cabin over rhubarb pie and hot chocolate this evening after the meeting. in the morning a sister is making us pancakes and we're supposed to make it to another sister's for lunch on our way out of town. and if we're not staying in the area, people offer us names and numbers of people they know further along our road in case we need anything.

some nights it's really cold. that's not pleasant. and i hate when i wake up in the middle of the night and i have to go outside to find a bathroom, sometimes even walking to the nearest all night gas station. but really, even that's kinda funny.

sorry guys. i'm keeping my rose coloured glasses. i'm happiest on the road. i'm sure once i get to halifax and settle into 'real' life again i'll have plenty of complaints. and then none of you will want to hear them.