i will write the song that breaks you

there has been much misunderstanding surrounding one of my twenty-five statements. strangely, i've usually found that when i'm purely honest i am not the only one who feels a certain way. i usually rely on this when revealing personal information. if it's something i can't imagine anyone else agreeing or sympathising with i generally keep it to myself. so i've been rather surprised that a recent realization i came to is unique to me. at least, as far as i've heard. but maybe if i explain it won't seem so strange.

i'd rather be interesting than happy. i think the misunderstanding lies in the idea that i want to appear interesting to others. that's not what i mean at all. i agree that would be shallow and unfulfilling. i want to be interesting to myself.

i think it's why i often satbotage myself. i believe that i would be happier if i followed a balanced routine with an early bedtime and nightly flossing of my teeth. but i also believe this would bore me. so i find myself unable to stick to any such schedule for extended periods of time. i intentionally stay up too late reading or working on a project because i think it's more interesting, even though i also know i'll regret it later.

i know other people do this as well. they probably just think of it in different terms. or perhaps others have different motivations for this kind of behaviour.

the schedule thing is only a minor example. most of the time i'm sure the reason i can't maintain the routine i think i should is simply because it is unreasonable or unrealistic so i get tired and just don't want to maintain it anymore. human, or so i'm told.

but this thinking applies in most decisions in my life. i would likely be happier if i lived closer to my family or accepted my limitations and lived within them or learned to be content. but my mind instantly rejects any such thought. i do not choose the path i think will make me happy; i choose the path i think will teach me more and prove more interesting. and, for whatever reason, the two don't coincide as often as you would think they would.

that's not to say that i'm desperately unhappy either! just that the pursuit of happiness isn't a priority in my life. am i alone in this?

i must have slipped between his teeth

twenty-five things about me

1. i am an introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging, rational mastermind. that means i am anal, ruled by logic, and fiercely independent.

2. sometimes my mom calls me sweetcheeks. i know she calls other people this too but it makes me feel very special when she says it to me.

3. i love my family immensely. they are my favourite people in the world. i love that we are all uniquely dysfunctional people on our own but that we can come together and laugh about it.

4. i have more than my fair share of amazing friends in my life. not sure how that has happened but i am constantly blown away by it.

5. i would rather be interesting than happy.

6. i am a compulsive knitter and reader. i wish i had other hobbies that i consider more cool or productive, such as painting or sewing, but to some extent i think hobbies pick you and not the other way around.

7. i want to see, do, try, and experience everything. most of the time this feeling is so overwhelming i am paralyzed by indecision and instead do nothing.

8. my dream trip is russia.

9. i consider myself a writer even though i haven't written anything seriously since high school.

10. i believe all men are either liars and scum or pansy momma's boys. sorry dad, you fall under momma's boy. but that's one of the things i love about you.

11. i still believe in love.

12. i have always felt that redheads are a superior people living among us. i only wish i was one and i hope they accept my imitation as a form of honouring them.

13. i am so cheap i save and reuse tea bags.

14. generally i prefer to eat brown rice, vegetables, and homemade soup but once i bought a warehouse pack of chocolate pop tarts and lived off it for a week. and another time, after a mild emotional breakdown, i ate an entire two litre tub of rolo ice cream in one sitting.

15. i hate getting older because i don't think i'm learning enough in the process. also, i miss my naive idealism.

16. wearing rain boots makes me feel invincible.

17. my one true love was morton gunther adolf schmidt, an '87 vw jetta. i loved him more than i like most people and when he died i cried longer and harder than i have about anything else. i find this funny and sad at the same time.

18. sometimes i feel my most dominant emotion is envy. i'm really working to become someone who rejoices when others rejoice without any thought for myself.

19. i have an unprecedented capacity for sleep. my secret talent involves getting up at the last possible moment and being washed, dressed, and out the door within ten minutes.

20. i need people more than i care to admit. even to myself. i wish i was a better people-person. i don't even really know what that means and that may be the beginning of my problem.

21. the blues is my favourite form of music. it honestly portrays the messiness of life in a way that makes you want to dance.

22. i am most grateful for Jehovah's forgiveness for many reasons, one being that it is teaching me to forgive myself.

23. sometimes i feel that people - even those closest to me - are afraid of me. this is the loneliest feeling i know.

24. i find kilts sexy.

25. i am most at peace when walking at night. i look forward to the time when i can do this without people worrying about me.

the clock keeps on doing its job up on the wall

my baby brother is coming to visit me! ack! i am so excited i could vomit.

steve will be here in five days. and he's staying for seventeen! we will have many adventures and happifying moments. i have plastered the house with pictures of him to prepare my room mates for his arrival.

ok, plastered is a bit of an exaggeration. i have randomly placed eight pictures throughout the house.

i want to do everything while he's here. i want it to be his favourite trip ever so he talks it up and convinces my big brother and my baby sister to visit me too. any hints as to how to impress him? i've got lots of food on my list. one problem is he's not a fan of seafood, so one of our biggest attractions is shot. maybe i'll just bribe him with candy. it would work for me.

let this phone ring out into nowhere

at each of her 'coffeehouse tour' shows, carmel gets the audience to sing along with her on one of her songs. the chorus is simple: 'i don't need it anymore' repeated three and a half times. by way of interest-arousing introduction, she invites people to think about the things in their life that they want to get rid of, all the things they don't need anymore. she suggests anything from clutter to toxic people to time wasters. it's rather effective. people belt it out rather enthusiastically after given the chance to make it personal.

it has made me wonder about what things i don't need anymore. i love all the people in my life right now. having moved six times in three years, i don't really have a lot of unnecessary possessions. all i can seriously consider needing to get rid of is myself. or, at least, parts of myself.

i would like to get rid of my weakness and my failure, my self-destructive habits and my lack of focus. i can make an extensive list once i think of it in these terms.

with every seeming fresh start (new year, new house, new job, etc) i set all kinds of goals for the person i am going to become. and everytime i fail to follow through. it's difficult to just stop being lazy and afraid. it's not something i can put on a list, do, then cross off - like taking out the garbage. it's not ever really done. not in this system anyway.

let the poets cry themselves to sleep

I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.

***

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

Sylvia Plath

i will burn again tomorrow

Mrs. Glass watched him pull it on. She didn't stay for the tying of the lace, however. Instead, she left the room. But slowly. Moving with a certain uncharacteristic heaviness -- a drag, actually -- that distracted Zooey. He looked up and over at her with considerable attention. "I just don't know any more what's happened to all you children," Mrs. Glass said vaguely, without turning around. She stopped at one of the towel bars and straightened a washcloth. "In the old radio days, when you were all little and all, you all used to be so -- smart and happy and -- just lovely. Morning, noon, and night." She bent over and picked up from the tiled floor what appeared to be a long, mysteriously blondish human hair. She made a slight detour with it over to the wastebasket, saying, "I don't know what good it is to know so much and be smart as whips and all if it doesn't make you happy." Her back was toward Zooey as she moved again toward the door. "At least," she said, "you all used to be so sweet and loving to each other it was a joy to see." She opened the door, shaking her head. "Just a joy," she said firmly, and closed the door behind her.

Zooey, looking over at the closed door, inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. "Some exit lines you give yourself, buddy!" he called after her -- but only when he must have been sure that his voice wouldn't really reach her down the hall.

Franny and Zooey
J.D. Salinger

slipping in and out of those ocean breezes

reasons i do not need to be addicted to evil chemical candy:

dried figs
black licorice
dark chocolate
dried mango

they know their metal alloys

just for the record, i went to see matt anderson and then i went to bed. it was overwhelmingly happifying. it cannot be expressed in words, only in dance. and we most certainly did that. and continue to do it spontaneously as we recall moments and songs and fantastic blues guitar riffs.

o and you know how sometimes the day's text is dead on for what you need to hear? this little quote stuck with me this morning:

We need not be frantic, driven to reach our full potential right now.

thanks for the reminder.

you were hungry as a poet

i will never succeed until i can focus my energies on a single goal. i am too easily distracted. i want to do and try and experience everything. i am not willing to sacrifice the things i want to do less in order to be truly successful at the things i want to do more. i still don't truly believe in my heart that i can't be everything all at once. i can be a pirate and a pioneer and a graphic designer and a world traveler and a writer and a good person and a fun friend and a deeply spiritual person and a trapeze artist and a clothing designer and knit constantly throughout all of it.

i'm exaggerating. i've never really desired to be a trapeze artist. but a contortionist? one day i will be a contortionist. it will come in handy for when i become an international spy and jewel thief.

the worst is when i want to be completely conflicting things at the same time. i want to be responsible and spontaneous, balanced and imbalanced, practical and flighty.

i want to see matt anderson and friends play tonight and i want to go to bed.

lying on my bed i watch this big world float

Now the war has come, bringing with it a new attitude. Youth has turned to gods we of an earlier day knew not, and it is possible to see already the direction in which those who come after us will move. The younger generation, conscious of strength and tumultuous, have done with knocking at the door; they have burst in and seated themselves in our seats. The air is noisy with their shouts. Of their elders some, by imitating the antics of youth, strive to persuade themselves that their day is not yet over; they shout with the lustiest, but the war cry sounds hollow in their mouth; they are like poor wantons attempting with pencil, paint and powder, with shrill gaiety, to recover the illusion of their spring. The wiser go their way with a decent grace. In their chastened smile is an indulgent mockery. They remember that they too trod down a sated generation, with just such clamor and with just such scorn, and they foresee that these brave torch-bearers will presently yield their place also. There is no last word. The new evangel was old when Nineveh reared her greatness to the sky. These gallant words which seem so novel to those that speak them were said in accents scarcely changed a hundred times before. The pendulum swings backwards and forwards. The circle is ever travelled anew.

The Moon and Sixpence
W. Somerset Maughm

waltzing my tears to a tom jones song

things i've learned recently:

you know when honey crystallizes and gets all gross and hard to pour so you have to cut the top off the little bear's head to get at it? boil some water. remove from heat. submerge entire container of honey in said water. let sit until honey returns to liquid form. it's amazing.

gyprock is made from gypsum rock. therefore the name. i am probably the only person in the world who thought gyprock was a racial slur.

carmel mikol is an extremely talented musician and songwriter. and i'm not just saying that because i live with her and she keeps our house clean and cooks really good food. i'm saying it because she promised to make us orange floats when her myspace page hits reach 1000. do your part in getting me some free ice cream. click on carmel's link. and maybe even listen to her music while you're there.

can't wear a toque or your mohawk's crushed

it is definitely trying to snow today.

so to comfort myself, i have turned to food. i attempted a squash soup about a week ago and it wasn't quite right so today i went for the second round. newest room mate (carmel) insisted it was wonderfully easy. and after i compared my lunch of doritos with hers of grilled tofu, i decided a proper meal was a good idea.

this one turned out much better than the first. i think i used far too much chicken stock last time. and a little too much pepper this time. but it is amazingly easy. even for a... well, me. whatever i am.

there is nothing gentle about the light you emanate

me summed up in images. think you can figure out what it means?

ignore me in the parking lot

in high school i read hemmingway's for whom the bell tolls. i expected to enjoy it. hemmingway was an interesting man. his works are famous and i assumed there must be a reason for that. however, i found the story dry and his writing style terribly boring. for years i dismissed him and all his novels.

just recently i decided to give him another chance. i picked up a collection of his short stories on a whim and was blown away. his style is direct and dry but it perfectly captures the snippets of life he portrays. i fell madly in love with his brief but insightful portraits of broken people.

this had me wondering why i enjoy him so much now when i had sincerely detested him mere years ago. i returned to for whom the bell tolls and found that, while i still did not enjoy that particular novel, it didn't grate on me as it had before. how am i different? what has changed?

i decided that it is the taste of failure that he so accurately conveys. when i first read him i was an idealistic teenager who had yet to experience the reality that life does not go the way anyone expects. i strongly believed - and part of me still does believe - that i had the strength to create the life i envision for myself. but life marches ahead without any concern for what we want or what we think we've earned. hemmingway subtly captures the embitterment of people who feel they have failed to live up to their own expectations. he observes cynicism in its purest form - disappointed idealists.

i feel that his short stories are nearly perfect in every way. his novels are also interesting. his poetry, however, is terrible. it's humorously reassuring that even hemmingway failed at some things.

hold on to the corners of today

i have found myself in an interesting state. i have a couple trips planned in the next year (mainly a trip to paris next summer for the international convention! ack!) so i am incredibly broke these days. my paycheques have varied somewhat drastically over the past few months because my schedule at work has been quite up and down. not too long ago, i was rolling in it; yesterday i spent my final five dollars and forty-seven cents on some well planned groceries that are supposed to last me until payday. (thank you pete's for your lovely rotting fruit clearance shelf!)

i am normally ridiculously private about the specifics of my financial situation. but i have to say that i have thoroughly enjoyed this past ten days of desititution. of course, i do have food to eat, a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear... all that necessary, perhaps luxurious, stuff. i am probably still considered to be one of the wealthiest people when compared to the entire world. but after bills on the day i got paid i had nothing left for groceries, emergencies, or entertainment. i reluctantly took twenty dollars from my savings and tried to budget it carefully.

and for some reason, i had a lot of fun trying to find meals for a dollar or less. or spending the entire week of jazz fest outside the tent looking in but still being able to hear the music. and so i couldn't actually see john k samson's face - i heard his voice and that's what really mattered. i felt free from the constant pressure to consume. it wasn't an option so i didn't bother considering it.

that is definitely something i struggle with - remaining content with what i have. i'm sure it's a challenge for everyone, especially considering the society we live in. but something clicked last week that i hope i can maintain for the next year - since it's not likely i will have extra money for at least that long.

the same things but on a different day

on my way to work, i feel a little superior to the people that get off the bus before i do, as though how far i have to travel means i have a better or more important job. but in the evening, i resent anyone who gets off before me because they get to be home first.

i obscenity in the milk of thy fear

i suppose i should make an ammendment to my last post. my dad was a little horrified by my revelation. his exact words were 'not your finest moment.' perhaps the link to the video was a bit much. but, in my defense, i didn't watch the video before linking. i should have, i know, but i was doing this at the library and was very limited timewise. and, just so you know, my hair didn't come out of a gross pimply bloody spot. it just appeared out of nowhere.

there dad, i did my best to salvage some of the munn pride for you.

as for the latest and greatest in the land of erin... not much to report. if i failed to say so earlier, i am madly in love with halifax in the summer. there is constantly something going on. i just wish this level of activity and excitement could be maintained over the entire year.

monday evening we took the bus to tiny chocolate lake to cool off. it's close and accessible by bus but, unfortunately, a little rough. but water is water no matter what the atmosphere. matty generously bestowed a couple of cold beers upon me and beth, which we hoped to drink on top of a roof. failing to find one we could get to without being arrested, we switched our attention to the multitude of billboards just down from our house. again, we couldn't find a way to get up there. so we ended up sitting in a park and watching the sunset instead. and we decided beth will make us a rope ladder so we won't have this problem again. it's my job to find the grappling hook.

my heart is always on the line

last night i was putting aloe gel on my sunburnt back when i felt something a little strange. i quickly got in front of my mirror and tried to look over my shoulder to (hopefully) prove that what i had felt was not what i thought it was. unfortunately it only confirmed my fears. i had a hair a good six inches long growing out of the central to lower area on my back. six inches! get out a ruler and see for yourself how disgustingly long that is! it's half a subway sandwich.

of course, i left it in until monica and beth got home so i could share this treasure my body had generated for me. it was when we were trying to colour it with a marker so it would show up in pictures that it came out. it sends shivers down my spine just talking about it.

not that that stops me. i tend to enjoy things that send shivers down my spine.

so when i got to work today i had to share this with people. one of them reacted like this happens to her all the time. she wasn't surprised or creeped out. she just said it must have been an ingrown that i had pulled out when i was rubbing the aloe in. i could have hair growing all over inside my body! have you heard of this before?

i'm fascinated and horrified. and i'm not alone in this! google it. you get all kinds of information, pictures... there is even a video on youtube of a guy pulling out his ingrown hair! we humans are quite gross.

we are growing at the speed of light

for those of you who are not yet aware, tomorrow is the launch date for canada500. visit their site for explanations and concepts. and pictures of steve-o and my mom and dad! that's right. it's like they're celebrities.

i'm strangely excited for this trip considering i'm not going on it. all i get to do is check the site for stories and pictures. but i'm bordering on obsessed! i love the idea, the freedom, the potential for horrible mishaps. i can't figure out the reason. dan mentioned that he's noticed canadafivehundred is most popular with rationals. that too intrigues me. what is it about running away that appeals to intuitive thinkers? i constantly have to fight the urge to disappear - to just leave my house and my friends and my work and start over somewhere i'm completely unknown. it's mostly the disappearing that stays on my mind, the walking away and people wondering what ever happened to that girl they once knew.

in other news, last night i went to an all girl dance party and today i hurt. but it's a good hurt.

as small as a world and as large as alone

while i was battling my sinus cold we had an incident in the bathroom.

the girls started to notice a nasty odour that would not go away. because of my condition i had no idea there was a problem, though they keep telling me that the smell was so bad that it continues to haunt them. they tried a thorough bleaching and replacing the shower curtain but it didn't help. after a couple days beth called our landlord and asked him to come inspect.

i should also explain that we have had a couple of problems where we've had to call our landlord in. he's generally very nice about it but he's convinced we are nuts. once monica called him in to check on a loud cracking noise coming from the roof. of course it didn't happen once while he was there and he couldn't find a thing in or on the roof, at which point monica joked that perhaps it was just God talking to her. apparently he doesn't really get our humor. he probably thought it was a Witness thing.

when he came in to check on the mysterious stench he first claimed he couldn't smell a thing. monica was again the one home that day and she resisted the urge to make spiritual references. instead she just insisted that there was something seriously wrong. so he opened up our fan and pulled out a dead bird.

i had been trying to come up with something to add some colour to the bathroom so in honour of the fallen bird and inspired by crappy art night, i created this.

i know it's probably hard to believe, but it only took me about fifteen minutes to complete. what can i say, i'm a natural. i'm considering making a whole series.

smell the ocean in your hair

everyone needs an injection of adams in their day. i could quote so much more but i will limit myself to my favourite section. i think my second favourite is a description of san fransisco that britta would especially appreciate.

**

Arthur looked. Much to his surprise, there was a velvet paisley-covered Chesterfield sofa in the field in front of them. He boggled intelligently at it. Shrewd questions sprang into his mind.

'Why,' he said, 'is there a sofa in that field?'

'I told you!' shouted Ford leaping to his feet. 'Eddies in the space-time continuum!'

'And this is his sofa, is it?' asked Arthur, struggling to his feet and, he hoped, though not very optimistically, to his senses.

'Arthur!' shouted Ford at him. 'That sofa is there because of the space-time instability I've been trying to get your terminally softened brain to get to grips with. It's been washed up out of the continuum, it's space-time jetsam, it doesn't matter what it is, we've got to catch it, it's our only way out of here!'

He scrambled rapidly down the rocky outcrop and made off across the field.

'Catch it?' muttered Arthur, then frowned in bemusement as he saw that the Chesterfield was lazily bobbing and wafting away across the grass.

With a whoop of utterly unexpected delight he leapt down the rock and plunged off in hectic pursuit of Ford Prefect and the irrational piece of furniture.

They careered wildly through the grass, leaping, laughing, shouting instructions to each other to head the thing off this way or that way. The sun shone dreamily on the swaying grass, tiny field animals scattered crazily in their wake.

Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield across the fields of prehistoric Earth.

Douglas Adams
Life, the Universe and Everything

don't be amazing or i'll miss you too much

it has been a fun filled month of fashion and frivolity... o wait. i think that must have been someone else's month. mine was more of the procrastinating, then working too hard until i make myself sick variety. but i enjoyed it all the same.

honestly, i love working too much. i really do. it's only when i'm overdoing things to the point where i don't have time to even consider standing still or thinking for any period of time that i stop over analyzing my life. and at any level of activity below that pace i constantly feel i should be doing more. unfortunately, my body doesn't seem to appreciate it the same way my mind does. i have been down and out with a cold for a week now. and it is not pleasant. i'm pretty much over it. i'm down to the hacking cough that explodes inside my head all night. almost better.

it has been a ridiculously long time since i've posted here and i've had bazillions of things that i've thought i'd like to write about. can i remember what they were? of course not. i am quite excited about the comments and suggestions people had about my last post. crappy art night? that's awesome! i'm doing it. and it's gonna be great in its crappiness.

have i ever mentioned how very much i love the sun?

this house is sad because he's not tidy

i fear i have no imagination.

i am constantly humbled, even crippled or paralyzed, by what other people are capable of creating. i have some pretty amazing people in my life who are simply fearless. they can plunge their fingers into dirt and form art without considering that what they are doing may be difficult for other people. they don't wonder if what they do is 'good' - it is original, it is theirs. they ask nothing from it but that they enjoy the process and perhaps learn something. and in shedding the challenges, or maybe not even recognizing their existence, they free themselves and are able to create incredible music, art, poetry, and design.

i think i lack something they have. i've given this a lot of thought throughout my life, as it has almost always been an issue for me. i desire the ability to freely create but something holds me back. sometimes i wonder if it is simply raw talent and other times i think it is the determination and drive. or maybe the courage to fail hundreds of times in order to succeed just once. then again, i also use the excuse that i am a left-brained rational mastermind and perhaps i just have no creative juices flowing through my veins. or they are immobilized by my decided lack of emotion or heart. i have many theories, as you can see.

perhaps i just use up all my imagination making excuses for myself. that and my dreams.

i have read ryan's ideas for strengthening one's right brain and i occasionally remember to do the exercises, though i'm not entirely sure that i'm doing them correctly. and i have been trying to force myself to do things i am not comfortable with, such as writing and painting. even showing it to people. trying not to care what they think but just sharing so as to inspire and encourage one another to continue in these attempts. i don't know if this will ever come naturally to me. any tips?

all the unborn chicken noises in my head

beth says i smell like a library.

love is the heart of fear

i do not enjoy food preparation. i am very likely the laziest person in this regard. i despise having to think about or plan or prepare or anything to do with food prior to eating it. if i was rich i would hire a chef before i would hire a maid. i go through phases of eating pop tarts or popsicles for every meal simply because they are brainless.

it's definitely a trait i inherited from my mother. she cooked out of necessity, not pleasure. and she often told me that we would save amazing amounts of time and energy if we didn't have to eat everyday - and multiple times everyday!

it's true though. if i dedicated as much time to writing, or painting, or playing guitar, or graphic design, or service, or reading the Bible... the list goes on - all the things i'd rather be doing. for the sake of example, let's say playing guitar. if i spent hours everyday and set aside a budget every month solely for guitar, i would have actually learned an entire song before i turned 24.

i just remembered that britt is doing (or just finished) the master cleanse. i did that a couple years back and it was fantastic. except i did miss the joy of eating.

so i suppose in my paradise food will just be lying around waiting to be eaten. platters of sushi, trays of tarts, banquets and feasts randomly set up throughout the earth. perhaps britt and karen will take care of that for me.

imagining lightning striking sea sickness

now he would never write the things that he had saved to write until he knew enough to write them well. well, he would not have to fail at trying to write them either. maybe you could never write them, and that was why you put them off and delayed the starting. well he would never know, now.

* * *

it was not so much that he lied as that there was no truth to tell. he had had his life and it was over and then he went on living it again with different people and more money, with the best of the same places, and some new ones.

you kept from thinking and it was all marvelous. you were equipped with good insides so that you did not go to pieces that way, the way most of them had, and you made an attitude that you cared nothing for the work you used to do, now that you could no longer do it.

ernest hemingway
the snows of kilimanjaro

proud of ourselves for using so many verbs and nouns

gonna let everybody see just what you are

today i am 24. i do not enjoy getting older. i fight it with all my being but time doesn't even seem to notice my efforts. i've been anticipating this day for months now. i thought it would make it easier on me if i made a list of things i wanted to accomplish before i turned twenty-four. unfortunately, i suppose it only helps if you do the things on the list.

but instead of dwelling on how much i don't want to be older, how i don't feel older, definitely not wiser or more mature, let alone successful or accomplished, i'm going to attempt a positive perspective. what did i do while i was 23?

the obvious: i traveled across the country in a vw van. i made friends in every province and territory except newfoundland and nunavut, climbed buttes in saskatchewan, ate bagels in montreal, watched cirque du soleil in toronto, went to the stratford festival, camped by the great lakes, reached the atlantic ocean. definitely the highlights of the past year.

what else? i auxilliaried as often as i believe i was capable. i persisted in finding work that will enable me to pioneer again (hopefully soon!). i settled into the middle of a new congregation instead of disappearing in the edges. i started learning guitar (again) and actually made some progress. i stayed in close contact with my parents even after moving so far away.

i have many regrets. those are much easier to list. but i won't. at least, not here. i'll put them somewhere else - on a page entitled 'things to change and accomplish while 24.' check back in a year to see how that works out for me.

i saw a spaceship fly by your window

not too long ago, i wrote about a dream i had involving myself and my fictional wedding. it has come to my attention that all i have to do is whisper the words 'marriage' or 'wedding' and some of you people start to giggle like little school girls. (you know who you are.) i'm not here to defend myself. i feel that my celibacy is such an established fact at this point that it is beyond needing justification.

i have a wild and wonderful life in my dreams. some nights i'm getting married; others i'm an international jewel thief being chased by tin soldiers. last week i had a dream that i was wearing a rubber unitard painted like a fish and rollerskating down endless hills; later, that i was visiting with an old friend in a grocery store when a random boy came up and kissed me then ran away. (yes, i said 'kiss' and 'boy.' no giggling.) once i drove from pg to paris on a motorbike in a single night. when i am stressed, i am usually trying to save small children from certain death. last night i was cooking in an unknown kitchen when it was brought to my attention that i was not wearing any pants.

i consider all these dreams to be equally preposterous and unlikely to happen in reality. so me dreaming about my wedding is not a sign of anything. you can stop with the giggling.

i just don't feel much like a scarecrow today

if he was going to have delusions at least he was going to have a clear brain to look at them with.

william faulkner

intruder in the dust

there's a lot of me inside you

monica pointed out to me at some point long ago that i like to collect canned food. i don't know where this started or why i feel the compulsion to buy my food in this form but it's true. i watch myself fill my cupboards with peaches and soups and beans and am unable to stop. i generally prefer to eat fresh food so i think i must be storing up for armageddon. my emergency kit, perhaps? i've decided to ban myself from the canned food aisle until i've used up what i have. anyone have recipes for corn, mixed bean salad, tuna, and pineapple?

here i come to dance around the sun

i've become re-obsessed with the myers-briggs personality tests. it's always in the back of my mind, especially as i meet new people. i'm constantly categorizing n's and s's, t's and f's. beth brought home a book about it the other day because she said she needed to understand me. monica she gets, but apparently i'm difficult to comprehend. who knew? i suppose that's all part of being a rational (an nt). we think everyone else thinks like us but very few do. i wish i could relate to how other's minds work.

i live with an infp (monica) and an enfp (beth). i suppose that's why beth gets monica - they're practically the same. i find i surround myself with idealists. they are fun and creative people. perhaps a little flighty at times.

i'm an intj, if you're interested. (if you're not, you're quite likely an s). that means, among other things, that i am fiercely independent and critical. i am also a perfectionist. so all my rambling discontent - ya, that fits right in. i suppose i'll always be this way. it's just who i am.

guess who else in an intj. arnold schwarzenegger. i'm in good company.

you smile and say the world doesn't fit with you

in my current physics book (thanks to ryan and jordan for starting me on this. my head hurts but i can't stop.) i read today that 'nature always prefers to be in the lowest energy state.' i can't wait to use it on the next person who accuses me of being lazy.

'there is nothing abnormal about sleeping fourteen hours a day. nature always prefers to be in the lowest energy state.'

i think that will go over very well.

born in the blue market

"invention... does not consist of creating out of void, but out of chaos."

mary wallstonecraft shelley

each time you turn a corner you're right back where you were

today at work weldon said 'happiness is finding what you're looking for.' i thought that was rather profound. he was talking about a lost cheque but it got me wondering what i'm looking for.

beth and monica both disagree with that, which bothers me. beth says happiness is enjoying the journey to what you're looking for. monica says it's being happy where you are. keep in mind they are both idealists. i'm not entirely sure how that relates but it must. they live in the present and i live in the future? i'm never content where i am. and i know it's not a physical location (of course, there is a difference between knowing and living), it should be a state of mind, i suppose.

re-reading that paragraph, i don't think i'm making myself very clear.

i just finished 'feynman's rainbow' which is the autobiographical story of two physicists in the 70s. the writer was young and unsure which direction to take and he was inspired by an older, terminally ill professor. the gist of the story was that we should chase our own rainbow. if we chase someone else's rainbow we have the struggle without being able to appreciate the beauty of what we're pursuing. for example, the author was caught up in the rat race just like everyone else - chasing money and prestige, because these were the things he thought he was supposed to be after. but his conversations with feynman taught him to find what makes him happy and pursue that.

i've always wanted, and tried, to live this way. i've been very determined not to be distracted by what other people think i should be doing. but instead i've become distracted by what i think i should be doing. but i don't think it is necessarily what i should be doing.

o good gracious. what annoying navel gazing. ignore me. i think i'm just upset because i'm 0 for 9 at tim's roll up the rim.

i should end this since my room mates are mocking me. i think they are genuinely emabarassed that i am 'blogging' in their presence. they're telling me that it should not be done in public. in fact, they would rather that i not say the word blog ever. it's amusing when people are ashamed of you.

whatever. monica is listening to 'my humps.' she has not earned the right to be ashamed of me.

ch-ch-ch-ch-chia

why would i hitch a ride when i can drive?

tonight i took myself on a date. after work i went to an adorable coffee shop called the paper chase for a dinner consisting of a curried vegetable burger with couscous salad. i have no problems with eating by myself in a restaurant. actually, i do it far more often than i probably should since i am lazy and don't particularly enjoy cooking. however, after dinner i also took myself to a movie.

the oxford had a one night showing of raiders of the lost ark at 7:00. i love that movie, as i love indiana jones (i suppose i could say i had a date with young harrison). i even love the historical and biblical references, even though they are so often incorrect. as it is a thursday evening and most people i know had their meeting, i went alone.

it was surprisingly strange.

i'm used to doing things alone and it rarely concerns me. why is it that going to a movie, where you sit in a dark theatre, facing forward, not interacting with any of the people you go with, feels like it is supposed to be a social activity? i felt conspicuous all evening.

and it didn't help that i also won the door prize. i think they picked my ticket on purpose to draw more attention to me.

'look eveyone! this girl came to the movies alone! let's all point and laugh!'

i don't really think that. i know the majority people are too self absorbed to bother noticing who else is even in the same room as them. including myself, since i obviously spent the night fretting about being there sin amigos. it was just such an odd experience. i felt i needed to share it.

i could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will

monica has returned from a land far far away bearing wonderful gifts. we spent the afternoon drinking tequila, eating pop tarts, and catching up.

just for the record, tequila and pop tarts do not go well together.

once again that rising sun is dropping on down

before he could leap and spring and smother and blot it from thinking not because you dont dare think whole even to yourself the entirety of a dear hope or wish let alone a desperate one else you yourself have doomed it but because thinking it into words even only to himself was like the struck match which doesn't dispel the dark but only exposes its terror - one weak flash and glare revealing for a second the empty road's the dark and empty land's irrevocable immitigable negation.

william faulkner
intruder in the dust

it's so easy to leave me

last night i dreamed that i was getting married. i was surprisingly calm about the whole thing, especially considering it was after 10pm the day of the wedding and i had absolutely no plans. my mom and my girls were getting me ready and i kept remembering things i should have done, like find a dress or ask people to come, and they would tell me they had taken care of it. then i would wander off and get distracted watching tv or doing something else completely unrelated. finally i decided i should see the guy i was going to marry, since, somehow, this hadn't happened before. it was only after i met him and saw that he had a mullet that i started to worry. thankfully i woke up.

i'm guessing this was prompted by the news that cody cloarec is engaged to his sweet little marissa. i very much want to be at the wedding but unless a miracle occurs i highly doubt it will happen. it'd be fantastic though.

you may notice i've made some changes. i've also finally added the pictures from my trip... it only took me how many months? four? that's progress. at least i actually did it. the links should be down on the right somewhere. enjoy.

i went to cats this past friday. it was a spontaneous whim - read about it thursday and bought myself a ticket for the next night. it was splendid. and strange. so very, very odd. i knew going in that it was all about cats and that the lyrics were taken from poetry by t.s. eliot, but there is a difference between knowing and experiencing. i spent the entire first act baffled but gave up on trying to make sense of it for the second. that made it much more enjoyable.

now my mind is free to walk the streets we used to walk so quietly

time flies.

as you all may have guessed or heard, i made it to halifax! i'm here! i have a place to live and a job and a new room mate. i kept monica, of course. don't worry, we're still friends. but we had a third girl move in to be able to afford this place we found. plus she's nice and cute and needed a place to live.

i have been working on the pictures thing. in fact, i designed a nice page for them, prepped them, uploaded them... they should be ready for your viewing pleasure. but for some reason they hate me and won't work. i can't figure it out. and i'm too stubborn and angry to give up and post them some other way. so those of you that are still patiently checking this page and waiting for something interesting will have to wait longer. but i thank you for your interest. it is appreciated. and hopefully, someday, it will be rewarded.

my mom's coming to visit me! i'm a little excited about that. i've been telling everyone. all the ladies i work with are giving me tips as to what we can do while she's here. she'll be here on sunday. i'll play tourist with her and get some pictures of the city to add to the list of pictures i'm going to post here one day. in the possibly distant future.

so apartment... it is technically called a flat here (makes me feel a little european). not all apartments are, just those that are parts of a house. we have the top floor of a cute blue and yellow house with a nice view of the ocean and the bridge to dartmouth. it's big and open with lots of windows. i'm actually a little surprised by how great of a place we found. hardwood throughout, laundry in the building, only two other suites, landlord is very nice, and we can have the dog. we're slowly accumulating crappy old furniture. it's fun starting over. i do miss having nice things tho. i'll just have to find new ones.

and job... one thing you notice immediately here is that wages are drastically lower and the cost of living is actually higher. i wasn't worried about the wages at first because you assume the costs would be lower as well, but because there are two universities here and it's expensive to have things shipped here, it's quite the opposite. graphic design does not pay particularly well - but i am still looking. in the meantime, i have a job at a cheque processing office and i rather like it. i work with a bunch of middle aged women who are a hoot. you heard me, a hoot. i'm being trained by henry and marty. those are both women. good times. the work itself is even kind of interesting, at least for now.

i'm at the library and the computer is telling me time is up, so i'm off. sorry this took me so long. i really wanted to have the pictures done. but i'll fight with it some more.

you can't build fences around life

it has been too long! so much has happened. i will try to recap efficiently...

montreal is my newest love. i am completely smitten. i would have stayed but i do still really want to see halifax. but if i don't love halifax i will go back. it was too wonderful to stay away. i don't even know if i can explain why i love it so. it's beautiful and interesting and exciting. you can bring your own wine to restaurants, buy fresh cheese at an open air market after sampling the local beers, listen to a U2 cover band at an irish pub... i can't even remember everything we did. but i think of the city and i glow with happiness.

a big part of that would be thanks to gerald and heidi, our wonderful hosts and tour guides. i can't thank them enough. we would have been completely lost without them.

trois rivieres was a unique experience. we visited mike kiloso and met the family he lives with. they are all from the congo, so they spoke swahili with each other, french with monica, and little bits of english with me. then they fed us traditional african food. that was an experience all its own. i'm glad to have done it, but i don't know that i would do it again.

quebec city was beautiful. we spent the day wandering in old quebec and enjoying every view. ooo and i bought some amazing boots that i am in love with. they were regular $210... i got them for $40! a woo hoo. they don't have a name yet, but they may soon. they're that cute.

now we are on the east coast. in gaspe, specifically. the gaspe peninsula is the most breathtakingly beautiful place i have seen since bc. the weather has been miserable again but it's probably for the best since ava would overheat on the hills if it was the least bit warm.

that will have to do for now since my computer is going to die on me at any moment. pictures to come... eventually!

this is the sound of the days burning the light of our nights

today we made it to ottawa. strangely enough, monica thoroughly enjoyed it and i was not overly impressed. that's not completely true. i enjoyed it, but i wouldn't want to live here, while monica would. we felt the same but opposite about winnipeg and ottawa.

did that make any sense?

yesterday we would have made it to ottawa but i put ava in the ditch. i was backing up and took the corner too wide. i'm not even entirely sure how it happened, i just know how ill i felt when i realized it had. we walked to the gas station down the street and, thankfully, the caa tow truck was right there. there was no damage to the van and we only lost about an hour. and i think monica has forgiven me.

i hope.

sat and stared at the parliament buildings today. they're big and old. we didn't go in. i figured inside would be about as interesting as outside. but we did go to the national art gallery and that was nice. saw some van gogh's, monet's, degas', and such. one mondrian i was pretty thrilled with and the greiner pictured here. it was the one painting that made me stop and smile.

we also went to the museum of civilization. i think i'm a little museum'ed out. i'm excited to wander the streets of old montreal and eat fattening food... world famous poutine and smoked meat here i come.

nobody owns anything and everyone is free

so, um, wow. we went to cirque du soleil today, and it was ubertastic. scrumtrulescent. i sat and gaped in open-mouthed amazement, occasionally realizing that i was shrieking with delight. there were contortionists, acrobats, trapezists, jugglers, unicyclers... i can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was. here's a link to the cirque du soleil site, and select kooza under shows: http://www.cirquedusoleil.com. it might give you an idea of its fantastic-ness.

yesterday we went to the stratford festival and saw an ideal husband by oscar wilde. it was great fun. i was surprised by how many famous quotes i recognized. it made me want to see the importance of being earnest.

later we went to some brother's house to watch a movie, and instead of watching clever and witty comedy, we watched transformers. mind-numbing transformers. but it was fun. we got to hang out with some very cool people, including a guy who knew gio and michelle in oliver many years ago.

oo and today after the circus we went to 'the clothing show'. it was an exhibition of vintage and original clothes and accessories. i could have spent bazoodles of dollars, but i didn't have that. i bought a hat instead. and walked away filled with inspiration for things i probably will never make. much cheaper than this coat that i will dream of for the next year.

turn my face to the wall

so this weekend is pretty much amazing. we've spent the past couple days working our way south through ontario. ava is aligned and driving very well. yesterday we went to erin, which was even more exciting than i hoped. it's a gorgeous little town with four leaf clovers plastered all over. their slogan is 'experience the charm.' so accurate.

today we went to bethel, which was wonderful, of course. we got our directions online but they were misleading so we were late. we managed to keep it together, but of course we were both freaking out inside. after we'd gone in circles for a few minutes and confirmed that we were horribly lost, i phoned bethel and told the guy in reception what was going on. of course, as soon as i explained where we were, monica spotted the watchtower sign. so we made it. we missed the first prayer but we got the food. which was fettuccine alfredo with lots of vegetables on the side and coconut sherbet for dessert.

we saw karen markus, and jean funk, but that was about it. the whole place felt kind of empty during the tour. we had sixteen people in our group, with people from ottawa, winnipeg, hamilton, kentucky... and somewhere else i can't remember. the picture is of two adorable boys on our tour from the place i can't remember with our tour guide, who claimed to be mario lemieux's nephew.

when we first checked in for the tour the brother at the desk asked where we were from, so we told him bc. he got all excited and says, 'are you the girls driving across canada in the van?' we were a little confused but we couldn't deny it, so then he jumps up and comes around the desk. at first i thought he was going to give us a hug but instead he introduces us to the other people waiting in the lobby and tells us to tell them the story of when we broke down. it was strange.

turns out he's room mates with a guy whose mom is friends with one of the sisters who had us stay in the past week, and the story just got passed along. we felt like celebrities.

this weekend continues to get better, with stratford tomorrow, cirque du soleil sunday, and shopping downtown toronto monday.

it's only lies that i'm living

this morning i am in sault sainte marie. we were here for the weekend, catching the circuit assembly again. the reeds are serving here now so we couldn't pass up the opportunity to see them. br reed's talks are as good as ever and we even got to talk with them for a few minutes, which was wonderful.

it's strange to go to an assembly where you don't really know a single person. saturday people were a little wary of the random girls sleeping in the parking lot but on sunday it seemed like everyone knew who we were - the vw girls on their way east. one sister invited us over for dinner and showers. i have never appreciated showering as much as i do these days. turns out her and her husband went to the international convention in mexico city with phil peters in 2003. it was very strange to see pictures of phil in their album.

we're off to blind river, where another couple kindly offered to do the alignment on the van. it's wonderful how willing people are to help out in any way they can. then tonight we should get almost to sudbury, tomorrow to warren, then down to guelph by thursday, with lunch at bethel on friday!! i'm so excited for that.

the other night we were looking at the map, figuring out where we have left to go, and something clicked over in my mind. we're over halfway. we're in the last half of the trip. it's going to end soon. and as excited as i am to be discover halifax, i am very sad that this is going to be over. we probably have three weeks left, which is lots of time, but it feels different now. we don't get to be on the road forever. the end is in sight. i don't like that feeling.

though as it gets colder i probably won't mind so much.

one day i'll be sand on a beach by the sea

winnipeg was beautiful. i really enjoyed it. but apparently i'm enjoying everything. so for those of you who think i'm too happy on this trip, here are a couple of complaints:

the wind: ava is a lightweight and the wind can be very pushy. it makes driving very stressful when the wind is strong, as it was for most of the prairies. when we're driving into it, we can't get over 80km. if it's behind us, that's the best because then we might hit 105. but if it's to either side, that's the absolute worst. i have to crank the wheel right into it to stay straight on the road. which gets scary as the wind shifts, or semis pass, and we're veering all over the place.

my bed: i can't even really complain about this. i genuinely enjoy my loft. it's not the most comfortable, but it makes for a good story. i have a military-style cot that folds out in the pop-top area. the first night i slept in it i thought i was going to fall through but since then i have duct taped it extensively and now it's sturdy, if nothing else. this picture doesn't do it justice. i'll have to get one of the cot before my bed is made. then you'll understand.

i'm sorry. that wasn't much complaining at all. and i can't even think of anything i could complain about if i was so inclined. this is one of my dream trips and virtually everything about it is wonderful. i fall in love with nearly every place we stay and every congregation we visit. i love our ridiculously slow pace - we're just crawling out of our camp spot when most of the rv'ers are pulling in for the night. we go hours out of our way to find lavinia or mcmunn simply because we want a picture with the town sign.

what i most love is when we show up at a meeting, how the brothers and sisters make us feel so welcome and really go out of their way to help us. if we're staying in town we have to stay with someone from the congregation, and we always get fed so well by at least one sister in the hall. for instance, tonight we are in dryden, on. the tiny congregation here has us staying in a cabin at a resort run by witnesses. we got to visit with the ones that live around here in the kitchen cabin over rhubarb pie and hot chocolate this evening after the meeting. in the morning a sister is making us pancakes and we're supposed to make it to another sister's for lunch on our way out of town. and if we're not staying in the area, people offer us names and numbers of people they know further along our road in case we need anything.

some nights it's really cold. that's not pleasant. and i hate when i wake up in the middle of the night and i have to go outside to find a bathroom, sometimes even walking to the nearest all night gas station. but really, even that's kinda funny.

sorry guys. i'm keeping my rose coloured glasses. i'm happiest on the road. i'm sure once i get to halifax and settle into 'real' life again i'll have plenty of complaints. and then none of you will want to hear them.

with a whisper and a hush the fields revealed themselves to me

we made it to winnipeg. it's weird to think that if we hadn't changed the plan this would be the end of the road for us. our fun has only begun. we're camping in the kingdom hall parking lot again here. it's the cheapest and safest choice, i think.

winnipeg is neat. lots of history. that just means we saw big old buildings as we drove in to town. we also drove through a hood. it was scary. i thought we might get shot. apparently poverty is a big problem here.

i don't have a whole lot to say yet. we haven't done a whole lot. we're going to explore the city now. hopefully after we find somewhere for me to brush my teeth.

i'm the coffee not the sleep

this has to be a quick one. i'm sitting at a table in a brother and sister's kitchen on a farm in southern saskatchewan. we just finished an amazing lunch which included some of the fresh corn, watermelon and cantaloupe that they grow themselves. the best ever. i could be convinced to live here if i could eat like this all the time.

we were in moose jaw the other day and now we're making our way through the big muddy badlands. it's our outlaw trail. we toured the tunnels under moose jaw where al capone used to hide and now we're trying to find the caves that butch cassidy and the sundance kid used.

i never expected saskatchewan to be pretty but it really is. there are boring parts but there are also beautiful valleys and rolling hills.

o dear. time to go. lunch is over and we're going to roll ourselves into the van. hopefully we get close to the manitoba border tonight. tomorrow we'd like to see the international peace garden, then winnipeg on friday. i'm working on getting pictures ready to post on here. hopefully not too long. or, more likely, i won't get it done until i'm settled somewhere.

you cocked your head to shoot me down

we made it to saskatchewan! it feels like the trip has finally begun, even though i have been on the road for over a month already. we're in prince albert, staying with dear friends, the norgaards. it's giving us a chance to eat real, homecooked food, wash some of our clothes, and do a couple minor repairs on ava.

i have to say, though, so far we haven't had to go very long without those things. i hope this wonderful treatment continues. we don't really know very many people from here on out. last night we met some people from the russian group in toronto and they kindly offered us a place to stay. hopefully we get to go to a russian meeting while we're there too. the language and culture has fascinated me for years.

Stage Two: Nelson and the Wedding or Love is Alive and Well in the Kootenays:

My awesome little red-headed Britta was getting married. So strange. But great, as it turns out. We spent the week putting together all the little details and hanging out with some fantastic people. Including Ryan, of course, as he was the groom-to-be. And many others, some whose emails I either lost or never got. (Chantelle, Tanys, Amanda, Brad, Mike - if you’re out there, you should get a hold of me). There was much laughter and frivolity along with a little panic and frustration. It all came together in the end. The wedding was gorgeous. Very classy. It seemed like everyone had a blast.

Ryan and Britta generously let me stay at their place when they went on their honeymoon. The plan was to hang out in Nelson until Monica showed up with Ava and Savanna. Unfortunately, her departure kept getting delayed due to circumstances beyond her control. Not that I minded staying in Nelson for as long as it took. I would have been content to live there. I think it’s my favourite place at the moment. (If you’re ever there you must go to Full Circle for breakfast. I could eat there everyday.)

It was nice too because I got to spend time with my parents and Steve, which I hadn’t really done before I left PG. One night John and Karen (Britta’s parents) took me and my mom and dad out in their sailboat for some late night dessert and stargazing. We watched the meteor shower and drank hot chocolate. Does it get better than that? I say, not so much.

Stage One: Prince George to Nelson or Letting the Rage Subside

My journey began on a Tuesday morning when I drove the Hulk, my little Firefly, out of Prince George. I enjoyed a quiet solo drive through the Okanagan and into the Kootenay’s. I was feeling a little haggard because I had spent the previous week or so packing all my worldly possessions and saying goodbye to friends and family so I really needed that time to unwind and breathe.

For the most part the trip was pleasantly uneventful. At one point I stopped for gas and topped up the oil. As I drove out of that town (somewhere between Kamloops and Penticton) I got caught in a stream of traffic. Someone in the line was spewing blue smoke. I wondered who it could be and why they didn’t get off the road. But as the traffic dispersed, I realized it was me. I couldn’t figure out why the Hulk would suddenly begin burning oil so I pulled into the next rest stop. I went around to the front and there was oil all over the hood. I swear I put the oil cap back on after filling and it popped out as I started driving. So there was oil all over the engine. All over. It was awful. But at least it could still run.

To some extent at least. The hills nearly killed the Firefly but we made it to Nelson eventually. Where I found my little bride-to-be and we had a wonderful visit before going to sleep.

driving with mittens and lap blankets

we ended up spending five days in high level. it was wonderful. not exactly my favourite place ever but the people were overwhelmingly hospitable. they gave us a key to the hall so we could use the bathroom and the internet when we needed it. we felt very special. though it almost felt wrong to do our dishes in the kh bathroom. almost.

a brother who is a mechanic from grande prairie diagnosed ava over the phone and put the new distributor points in for us thursday morning. took him all of five minutes. so that afternoon we headed up to yellowknife. we were so unbelievably cold driving. it was rainy and gross. we layered every warm piece of clothing we had. unfortunately for me, that wasn't much. but once we crossed the river on the ferry, it started to warm up. we actually ended up building a fire and having wine and banana boats at our campsite.

the drive from fort providence to yellowknife is very interesting. it's only after the river that the landscape really starts to change. the trees begin to shrink bit by bit until they only come up a few feet. and there is pink granite everywhere. it's still very flat and slightly barren looking but intriguing. i loved that in some parts the road has been paved with local rock and so they are bright pink too. i have pictures and i'll put them up when i get a chance.

we got into yellowknife in the afternoon on friday. the population there is apparently about twenty thousand. they have a walmart but no starbucks. the old part of the town is all built up on a hill on the shore of great slave lake. the town has a lot of character. i enjoyed it much more than i expected to. and the people are fun. i mean, who would move to yellowknife? they have to have an adventurous spirit, if nothing else.

i really enjoyed the assembly. i won't reveal much here because pg has their's next weekend, but i will say that i found it very direct. perhaps that was just the brothers up here. it was great though. there was about 160 there, with three baptized. and on sunday probably half of the people went to a brother and sister's for dinner. very fun. the circuit and district overseer were there with their wives (the attics and the charlands). we also met a brother who very kindly offered to try to get us in to bethel for a night. we'll see how successful he is.

right now we're in hay river. this is our overnight point on our way back south. tomorrow we'll stay in high level again, then somewhere on lesser slave lake, through edmonton and on to prince albert by friday, hopefully. unless we break down again. *eek*

the back lane came alive, half moon whispered 'go'

to my small but patient audience:

sorry about the delay. you should all know i'm a procrastinator. i have no other excuse. but i have been working on getting this updated. i'm skipping ahead to an amazing experience we had, but then i will go back and catch you guys up on what's been going on so far.

we spent this past saturday night in the kingdom hall parking lot in high level, alberta. we got in quite late and figured that was the best way to get to the meeting in the morning. which we did. and met every witness in high level, it felt like. it's a congregation of about forty and they are very friendly. the couple that lives in the hall, the dillons, had us over for lunch. (coincidentally, turns out they are related to my red-headed britta). then we packed up and headed out of town on our way to hay river, nwt, at about three.

we got about an hour down the road - that would be a whopping 60km in the van - when the van completely lost power and monica pulled over to the side of the road. we couldn't get her started again. she was turning over but just not starting. we had a full tank of gas. so we pulled out the manuals and started diagnosing the problem. we did some tests, including pulling off the hose to the fuel pump and making sure it was working. that was fun. sprayed gas in monica's face. we were still baffled after an hour. we took a break for dinner and to collect our wits, at which point we prayed for help and enjoyed an egg salad sandwich.

we played with the engine for another hour, then we gave up and tried calling ama. unfortunately we were out of cell range. we were starting to think we could camp there on the side of the road until the people from high level came by on their way to their assembly. that would only be a week. (ack.)

just at that moment a car pulled over and two guys got out to see if they could help. one of them said he'd worked with cars quite a bit so he offered to take a look. we showed them what we had done and he started playing with some of the wires. they mentioned they were on their way home to calgary from toronto by way of hay river. we were laughing about the detour we were both making and we asked what they had been doing in toronto. they said they just took a course there. a little later in the conversation i asked the one guy what kind of course they had taken, and he says, it's called a ministerial training school. i nearly died. mine and monica's eyes bugged out of our heads and we laughed hysterically. none of us could believe it. when i think about it now it's crazy that they even stopped at all because we were just sitting in the van at that point. we didn't even have the hazards on because they don't work. God really takes care of his servants, hey? even lowly little us.

so the rest of the story is that we think the coil is dead and we had the van towed back to high level. we're back camping in the kingdom hall parking lot awaiting the part. it should get here tomorrow morning from edmonton. craziness hey!? turns out these guys, phil and vin, are from the mandarin congregation in calgary. i've probably seen, if not met, them before. we were joking that this was a sign that they were going to be sent to pg to help the mandarin group get started. vin did mention that russel reed had told him that one of the places in canada that needs help with chinese is pg. neat, hey?

anyway, we're doing great. the congregation here is taking excellent care of us. and hopefully we'll be in hay river for the meeting tomorrow night. if the van doesn't get fixed tomorrow we're thinking we might stick around here and see if we can go to the assembly in yellowknife. we'll see how things go.

long live the morton

last night i sold the love of my life to a man named ken. i'm as miserable as is to be expected. i will never forget him. he was good to me right up to the last. let us all take a moment of silence to remember the good times with my love, morton gunther adolf schmidt.




i miss you.

the look on your face is delicate

you know a friend is a keeper when you leave them and you feel inspired. i just spent a lovely, refreshing, and upbuilding week in calgary. i return home with renewed courage to look for more than just satisfaction in each day. thanks guys.

good times.

and a big fat congratulations to laura and jordan monk, whose wedding last weekend was the reason i was reunited with friends in calgary. you guys are precious.

since then i've been so good at vanishing

flippant rejection
agitates their fresh simplicity
nudge and wonder
because rain could evaporate
because she is irretreivable
absolve feverish yearning if
you are smitten

some disbelief to suspend

in my lifelong quest to become a better person, i find i am often returning to the same basic goals: less time wasters, more creativity and spirituality. i'm tired of wasting my life. i have been back from mazatlan for nearly a year. i admit i have learned a lot but so far it has only been knowledge. i haven't applied it. i haven't become any wiser from my experiences.

at pioneer school they said to set one goal each month. that's it. i'm working on that. i have a tendency to set all my goals at once and to be upset when i fail to perfect myself overnight. i need to slow down. work on one thing. perhaps then i'll actually get somewhere.

simple goal for january: get back in the habit of reading my Bible every day. preferably in the morning.

sufficient for each day is its own badness

in the past i've tried to live my life without fear of the future. i like to think i have, anyway. and lately i have come to realize that a crippling terror of what i could become has been paralyzing me. i have felt unable to progress in any specific direction because i have begun to fear myself. and, moreso, my potential future self. but it's ridiculous to let myself be hindered by what could happen tomorrow, or the next day. it also may not happen. and even if it did, life would still go on.

when i started pioneering, the idea that i would one day quit never seriously entered my head. i had chosen my career and i knew nothing else would ever bring me as much joy. but, as i have been told countless times and am finally figuring out for myself, life never goes as you plan or expect it to. up until today i had been considering going off the list to deal with myself. even after the past two weeks of pioneer school. the school made me realize what a privilege and responsibility pioneering is, but it also left me wondering if i am capable of handling it at this point in my life. i'm still not sure. but after my pioneer meeting with my elders this evening, i have decided to be sure i am unable to continue before i give up.

so now begins the process of putting my life together, piece by piece. one day at a time. getting myself sorted out. with God's help, of course. one thing i have learned so clearly is the need to stay close to God. and that is the main reason i am choosing to continue to fight. each day i fight is a day that forces me to rely more fully on him.

i can try for your heart

this afternoon, at a quiet, intimate ceremony, melissa margaret freudentheil and caleb joshua johnson wed. only their closest family and friends were there. she looked exquisite. her bridesmaids were perfect - beautiful without detracting from the bride and emotional without wrecking their makeup. everything was wonderful. i cried like a baby.

congratulations brother caleb joshua and sister melissa margaret johnson.

the moon has nothing to be sad about

tonight we had our first snowfall. i think it will be gone by morning, but right now it looks gorgeous. i was only inside for about an hour, and when i came out it was dark and everything was lightly blanketted in white. it's pretty much the only day of winter i genuinely love. i'm going to have to put aside some money for snowboarding this year so i have something to get me through. either that, or actually have a toboganning party instead of just talking about it.

my favorite things about my job

• writing on the desk
• knowing people's names and hearing their voices before i ever meet them
• my ridiculously socially akward boss
• freecell on the sly
• my rolly chair
• having a reason to get out of bed in the morning
• using the headset just because it makes me feel professional
• re-organizing and colour coding the files
• exceeding my fellow employees' low expectations
• 'zooming' (a little inside, i know)
• reliving the glory days of dial-up internet
• coffee
• the huge calculator

let's go away for awhile
you and i

to a strange and distant land

where they speak no word of truth
but we don't understand anyway

holiday
far away
to stay

on a holiday
far away
let's go today
in a heartbeat

heartbeat
heartbeat

don't bother to pack your bags or your map,
we won't need them where we're going

we're going where the wind is blowing,
not knowing where we're going to stay

heartbeat
heartbeat

we will write a postcard
to our friends and family
in free verse

on the road with kerouac,
sheltered in his bivouac

on this road we'll never die

something worth writing home about

it's my assembly this weekend, and it has been pretty much fabulous. the pioneer meeting was yesterday, and it was beyond great. it was exactly what i needed. the theme was 'trust in jehovah' and i have a lot to learn about that. muy encouraging.

and today was fantastic. from assembling with my recently adjusted circuit to seeing two from my hall baptized, from planning a trip to vegas to a wonderful evening of dinner and knitting with my newest pioneer partner, monica. and then, to top it all off, the most incredible northern lights i have ever seen.

i went out to do my papers.

that's right, my paper route. i have a paper route. and i'm cool. and i was delivering them two days late. cause that's how cool i am. i only delivered them at all because it's the assembly and i would have felt guilty ditching them.

i amaze myself.

anyhoo, i went out to do my papers, and was mesmerized by the lights. i ended up laying down in someone's yard at about 11:30 this evening watching them dance all over the sky to a soundtrack of radiohead and jack johnson. the colors were spectacular - it started as just the usual bright green, then faded to white which whirled around like smoke, then began rippling green, white, blue, and hot pink. it moved quickly down the sky in circles, spreading from a single point to the horizon. i completely understand why people would have thought the gods were appearing to them in the sky. it was intense.